Watch: Jessie’s testimony
Jessie shares about how she suffered intense abuse growing up, resulting in a defiant and rebellious attitude against all authority figures, including her pastor and elder. The Holy Spirit showed her the roots to her anger and hatred, and led Jessie on a journey of healing. Praise God!
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Video transcript
Hatred and anger grew deep and strong in my heart over time. Eventually I shut down and became combative towards all adults, and just like many young victims of dysfunctional families, there was always trouble at school and with teachers.
Hi, my name is Jessie. I’m about to tell you the story of the healing of my rebellion toward people in positions of authority.
I grew up in a dysfunctional home. I was physically punished by my father and grandfather a few times. Verbal abuse has been a part of my daily life. Not just the men, but some of the women in my family have also been verbally and emotionally abusive. Because of this, I developed a strong hatred toward adults without being aware of it.
To fight back against their abusive maltreatment, I often yelled and cursed at them, but I didn’t realise what I was doing, I was actually giving birth to more hateful words and as a result of that, more gossip among my circle of adult relatives.
Hatred and anger grew deep and strong in my heart over time. Eventually I shut down and became combative towards all adults, and just like many young victims of dysfunctional families, there was always trouble at school and with teachers.
But God is gracious. In spite of all this, I became a Christian when I was around 18 or 19 years old.
I started going to church and began to experience different types of adults. Some were gentle and kind. It was the first time I experienced adults who actually listened, showed understanding, and truly wanted to help. They spent time thinking of ways to help me face my problems and challenges, showed me how to become a better person, and much more.
Even though my church experience fostered positive relationships with adults, I still had a hidden defiant attitude towards adults, especially men in leadership or in authority.
I was able to love my Christian friends and listen to sermons and Bible teachings on YouTube, but I found it difficult to listen to my pastor’s and elder’s teachings.
Deep anger, hatred, fear, and self-defence were blocking me from sharing the love from Christ with His people, and causing me to not want to listen and not want to stay committed to fellowship. Because of these, I was an ineffective representative for Jesus.
One day, the Holy Spirit showed me that I was in deep fear, hiding in a dark corner, defending and protecting myself. This self-protection was a result from the physical punishment from my father and grandfather, and the sexual harassment I experienced from men. This strong fear of men had been blocking me from having a normal healthy view of all men in general.
I confessed this to some sisters-in-Christ and they prayed for my healing.
During the prayer, I saw a vision of Jesus coming down to me, inviting me to go to His arms and ask me to cast the job of self-care and self-protection to Him. He wants to be the One to protect me. I cried so much because I wasn’t even aware that fear have been dictating my life and my heart. I was not living in freedom.
I was being kept captive in that dark corner fearing how men would hurt me.
The Holy Spirit also revealed that I despised my father because he had engaged in sexual misconduct while my mother was pregnant with me. Because of how my mother felt toward my father’s actions, my spirit recognised his licentiousness from birth. That is why I felt defiled and dirty whenever my dad was near me or whenever he looked at me.
That led me to judge my dad often. I never knew the reason why I felt that way so strongly, but now I do.
The Bible says in Galatians 6:7 that “God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” When I despise my own father, I am also despising his fruit — me!
In a way, I am cursing myself, and my judgments toward my father also hindered me from having a loving relationship with him, so the Holy Spirit led me to repent of all my judgments towards my father, to forgive him, to cut ungodly soul ties with him, and with the ladies my father engaged in sexual misconduct with.
The Holy Spirit also guided me to repent of fearing my grandfather because of the physical punishment I experienced. I should fear God and not any human being. I also was led to repent of my defiant, rebellious attitudes and judgments toward my grandfather, father, and all the relatives who mistreated me.
The Holy Spirit taught me that I should be an example of Christ in the midst of mistreatment, just like Christ was understanding and able to show love while He was being mocked and scorned on the cross.
The Holy Spirit also led me to pray a prayer of forgiveness, to forgive and bless them.
After I prayed, I felt lighter and I saw a vision of myself rolling joyfully on grass without any shame. I felt pure and clean. There was no more feeling dirty, ashamed, and defiled. I felt free because God had set me free.
After we finished praying, the Holy Spirit told me to tell my parents that I love them. Without hesitation, I went to my parents, hugged them, and telling them I love them.
They might have thought that I was being silly because hugging and saying “I love you” isn’t common in Asian homes, but their smiles told me that it is worth looking foolish and that my parents did love it when I showed them love and appreciation.
Now, I find that the compassionate love of Christ and His words of love, comfort, or encouragement flows more easily than before.
I can finally listen to my pastor’s sermons, I am now not defiant. I’m willing to sit under those teachings that God placed me under to show me wisdom.
God has redeemed my hurts, fear, and lost time.
We all didn’t grow up in a perfect home because no one is perfect, and human ways are not perfect. If my story resonates with you or the Holy Spirit has brought you to recall some memories that are similar to mine, I encourage you not to shy away but to talk to God about it – even if you don’t know how or experienced some resistance because the past is too painful or too shameful to remember or to talk about.
I encourage you to reach out to brothers- or sisters-in-Christ who will love you and ask if they can pray with you.
Our walk towards being more like Christ and toward more freedom is never meant to be walked alone.
The Lord had assured us of the outcome when we go to Him, He taught us in James 5:15-16 that “And the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick. The Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” I hope my sharing gives you courage and hope, that you will receive the same healing from the Lord when you humbly go to Him. Thank you for watching and God bless you.
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