Jesus shows therapist the truth about salvation
M fell into a pattern of perfectionism to earn approval, even striving hard to feel like a worthy Christian. Her fleshly patterns led her to set high standards for herself and all her relationships. This blocked her from believing that God loves her and from loving others as God loves us. The Holy Spirit revealed that she needed to let go of control and let Him lead her. Praise God!
“Lord, I long for You.”
This was my final prayer before I went to bed the night before my renewal prayer. That day had been a battle of doubt. I’ve already gone through prayer ministry once and Satan kept tormenting me with thoughts like, “Shouldn’t that be enough? I don’t need another one.”
I was anxious and worried about telling my “dirty secrets” to strangers. I had cold feet. But by God’s grace, someone reminded me that my confessions were not between people and me, but God and me. My secrets are not dirty because Jesus died for my sins and washes me clean whenever I ask for His forgiveness.
The next day, I met with my prayer counsellors and we went through the renewal prayer form together. I was glad to repent and confess my sins and sensed a weight lift off my chest when I commanded evil spirits to leave me in the name of Jesus Christ.
But it was hard for me to truly believe that I was forgiven.
I just couldn’t do the math. Why woukd God forgive a sinner like me?
My prayer counsellors asked me if I considered myself to be saved? I was not sure about this. My answer was “He is so gentle, pure, and perfect. I’m not sure if I can step up to salvation. I don’t deserve Jesus’ death for my sins.” I wasn’t sure if I was ‘perfect’ or ‘good’ enough to be saved.
The Holy Spirit gradually led my prayer counsellors to the root of the issue. My desire to be ‘perfect’, to control situations, and set very high standards was hindering me from believing that I have already been saved by Jesus.
The day of my renewal prayer was also Easter Day. My ‘perfectionism’ almost blinded me to its true meaning.
I didn’t truly believe God would receive us just as we are. Because I wanted to remain ‘perfect’ in front of other people’s eyes, God’s eyes, and my own eyes, I strived to be a ‘good’ student, friend, girlfriend, and a follower of Christ to be worthy of His love. But I was utterly, absolutely, entirely wrong.
Romans 5:8-11 NIV But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.
I wanted my dad and boyfriend to become pillars of the household and to be led by faith in Jesus Christ. I wanted them to help me grow in Christ. I would try to find out the reasons why they’re not devoted Christians, yet. I wanted to control the situation. I intentionally ignored the fact that God has His timing.
To me, ‘letting go’ is to think through things, rationalise, and find the root cause, and then to solve it.
That means that if I couldn’t think through something, I couldn’t let it go. No wonder I always said, “it’s easier said than done.”
I noticed that this is a wrong view. I never thoroughly reflected on my way of thinking until that day. I relied on my own wisdom and strength to remain in Christ. Was I truly faithful? I highly doubt that.
One of my prayer counsellors then asked me, “do kids plan before they step out and take their first stride?” No! As an occupational therapist who’s interested in children and pediatrics, this question really struck my heart.
At that moment, I knew the Holy Spirit really knows how to communicate with my soul.
You don’t have to be logical to become a Christian who is saved by Christ.
God is not my last resort. I shouldn’t go to Him only after I can’t solve my problems. I need to have childlike faith. Children hold onto the hand of the Father. Without further ado, they boldly step out with Him, believing that they will not fall because of His greatness. I don’t have to doubt the name of Christ when I pray. I just have to believe it.
Mark 5:36 ESV But overhearing what they said, Jesus said to the ruler of the synagogue, “Do not fear, only believe.”
Even though I realise these truths now, I still find it difficult to apply them to my life. That’s the reason why I have to pray. Now I do believe in the name of Jesus, I just have to make this belief a habit. For it to become a long-term memory, I have to pray to the Holy Spirit to search my heart and help me to build a firm belief system.
As I continued to confess, repent of, and break generational sins, occult sins, curses, inner vows, death wishes etc., the Holy Spirit didn’t cease to reveal more facts about my family and me.
I used to put a lot of hope in a pen that I had been using for years. It was a brown ball pen.
The day I lost it, I felt slightly discouraged and falsely believed that my ‘luck’ was gone. I had forgotten about it completely until a prayer counsellor asked if I had put faith in some ‘thing’ before. It was something I had to repent for doing.
Another revelation and reminder was I had participated in a primary school drama based on an idolatrous Chinese myth. I prayed to cut ungodly soul ties with teachers and students after realising that.
I had always wanted to fly around in the air.
Deep down, it was because I wanted to feel different, to feel a supernatural power, and to fantasise about being outside of everyday constraints. I was clueless that I had wished for this at all, until the prayer counsellor also asked me if I had anything to do with levitation. Then I recalled one of my constant dreams in childhood. I imagined myself hovering and flying around my house. I vividly remembered that I saw fairy lights around the place I lived. I repented for believing in fairies and mythical stories. I cut soul ties with people who bought me books about them.
There were several other things that I had not been aware of, which the Holy Spirit showed us that I had to repent of. This included me keeping a necklace with my dog’s ashes in it, idolising Hermione Granger from Harry Potter and keeping her “wand,” and participating in Chinese opera which idolise spirits and the dead.
My dad is a very sweet and kind person. He worked from home for years just to take care of my mother who was ill. He would kneel down and help her wear her socks. He would wear a glove to pull out mom’s disposal when she did not have the strength to go to the toilet on her own. He would learn to cook healthy meals for mom by studying the recipes.
Yet, I used to judge my dad.
Three months after mom passed away, dad had a new girlfriend. He was new to handling many emotions, such as the grief of losing his lifelong partner. After years of resenting him, I realised I was blind to the fact that he needed help, just like I do. He is not a perfect man.
Also, mom would sometimes belittle dad. Therefore, I had automatically rejected dad based on mom’s words.
During the renewal prayer, I saw that my dad had been trying to find fulfillment from people, just like he needed to take care of mom to feel important. He’s thirsty for being needed. A month later after the prayer session, I’m more able to appreciate dad and let God mend and repair my father’s soul.
I give up control. God is our family’s remedy.
After they learned about my situation at home, my boyfriend’s family were very welcoming and sweet to me. But it all started to go downhill after my dad said something to my boyfriend’s father that sounded misleading but was not his original intention. After that, my boyfriend’s father began to secretly count how I ‘mistreated’ his son. To us, it was like he was picking at my innocent mistakes like bones in an egg.
My boyfriend and his sister usually shut down in front of their parents. They normally sit down quietly for dinner and leave the table around 20 minutes later to go back to their rooms. It is apparent that their father wants to communicate with his children, but they find it difficult to talk to him as they find him too dominating and opinionated. Because of the lack of communication, my boyfriend’s parents misjudged me for a while.
I was so scared to look them in the eye and communicate with them, because their own children won’t even talk to them.
I didn’t have a chance to understand what they think about me nor an opportunity to introduce who I really am. I felt suffocated and felt like an orphan without a true home.
After my boyfriend clarified the misunderstanding between us, our relationship seems fine. But it has been hard for me to forgive them or even to recover from the hurt they caused me. I was ‘allergic’ to criticism that are not true, especially to those that I couldn’t have a chance to defend myself.
Moreover, his father is an atheist and his mother is a Buddhist, and they both judge, criticise, and find some Christians that are “too devoted” funny. This hurt my feelings.
During the renewal prayer, I realised I cared too much about what people whom I consider important think of me. And I judged them too.
Because of my occupation, I became stressed because I kept applying the psychological theories with them. I suppressed myself to please others, and this is not pleasing to God.
I have now learned that we cannot control how others see us, especially if they don’t have the Light of the gospel. How they see us can be influenced by the enemy. After repenting and knowing that I should cut ungodly soul ties with them every day and whenever we have conversations, I feel more protected. For the first time in a long while, I know how to protect myself with God’s shield.
My relationship with his family remains sometimes distant, sometimes close. I still become suspicious that they might be saying things about me. Since I now see that it might be thoughts coming from the enemy, I pray to God, asking for His wisdom to discern and don’t take it personally. Most importantly, with the power of Christ, I don’t have be ‘logical’ to forgive. I have forgiven his family. Since then, I found that it’s easier to love and let loose of myself when I’m with them, to be what God wants me to be.
I was amazed when my prayer counsellors told me that I am the light of this family.
After the session, I am more able to forget about the past and fight evil thoughts from the enemy. Even though battling with the enemy is extremely tiring and heart-breaking, I know I just have to believe in God’s power.
I struggled with pornography.
It all started when I entered university, when mom passed away and I had sex with my boyfriend to feel complete. After I sincerely repented and cut soul ties with him and with everything related to sex, I felt less heavy on my chest.
I am able to resist the temptation that my flesh yearns for. I prayed and repented even before my renewal prayer. I stomped on the floor when I was showering and told those thoughts to go away in the name of Jesus. I placed my palms upwards to receive the ability to resist in the running water. I felt empowered.
Although the temptations to watch porn haven’t stopped, I am more aware and able to resist them with Jesus’ power.
Satan, in my perspective, was like the ghosts portrayed on television. Growing up, I watched horror movies with mom. I was terrified afterward and couldn’t sleep or shower by myself. I had to sleep with my helper and cover myself with a blanket all the way to my toes. It was hard for me to shake off the images and not be afraid of those scary creatures. The enemy in my life tried to look big – to scare me – and I gave the enemy power by fearing the twisted images Satan wanted me to believe in.
I used to have repetitive dreams; one was one about levitation, the other one was about being chased by a snake, Satan. The enemy wanted to distract me and tempt me to give into fear.
But the truth is we have victory in CHRIST!
The name of Jesus is as powerful, every knee must bow to Him. Satan has been defeated! Satan’s has no power and any power the enemy claims it has are all lies. I have repented for giving demons more power than they have. I shall fill my mind with God’s truth and guard my mind, so I don’t give in to any more of the enemy’s deceptions.
At the beginning of the renewal prayer, I closed my eyes and prayer. There, I was holding Father’s hand, walking behind Him in a hall where I can see a throne placed in the middle of the room. He was tall and His back was towards me. There was a distance between us.
Then at the end of the session, I closed my eyes once again. This time, I was walking next to Father, He’s still tall, but I can see His gentle face. I saw myself holding both of His hands, playing in the hall. God is not so far anymore.
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