Jesus shows manager the condition of her heart
H is a young believer who sought the Lord for relief from deep anxiety and health issues together with some sisters-in-Christ. The Holy Spirit showed her the condition of her heart and reassured her that Jesus understands her pain through His own suffering, and will help her if she dedicated herself to God. Praise God!
Close friends of mine all know that I have this philosophy called the four pillars of life: health, friends and family, relationship and career.
I wanted to be in full control of all four of them. The pillars should thrive the way I wished and planned. When one of the pillars fell, I started to feel insecure, anxious, and lost.
The reasons were tied to the way I was raised and the family I was born into. There were always unlimited violent fights in the family. Almost every other night, my rebellious brother would trigger a fight, my dad would explode in frustration, and my trembling mother would start losing emotional control.
My “job” in the family has always been the peacekeeper, and taking control of the situation.
I didn’t know what Christianity was back then and I didn’t know who Jesus was, but there were always people telling me to pray about it and that God could do something to ease up my situation.
Two years ago, trauma hit me again. My mom was diagnosed with a disease, I broke up with a guy that I was dating, all my job applications didn’t go through, and I was feeling very sick. On top of that, the fights in my family never stopped. All my pillars were shattered, I was not in control of any of my life pillars.
That was the time when I finally decided to attend church and to get support. Two years went by, there were numerous times when God made himself so obvious to me, by sending me the right people, the right opportunity, the right comfort and the right direction. I knew that it was His grace that resurrected me, but I still felt very distant and depressed.
I know God, but I don’t actually know Him. I was not peaceful, I was not joyful.
Anxiety and control issues were still haunting me. I felt lost and helpless.
One of my church sisters introduced me to the Love the Lord course as I was seeking guidance. When I first started the course, many nights, I dreamed about my mom stabbing herself with a sword and making me watch the entire process. But in the dream, I saw a man protecting me against the world, holding my hand while hiding me behind his back and telling me that I would be ok. That was when I first thought about getting baptised and receiving renewal prayer. The course facilitator arranged a renewal prayer for me, together with another prayer counsellor.
During the prayer, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that of all these years, I had been suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).
The prayer counsellor immediately searched for the symptoms. There were 17 symptoms and I checked all the boxes.
- Nervousness and anxiety
- Problems with concentration of thinking
- Problems with memory
- Depression and crying spells
- Suicidal thoughts or attempts
- Mood swings
- Oppressive compulsive tendencies
- Panic episodes
- Substance abuse
- Sleep disturbances
The Lord told me that my heart was made of shattered glass, and my control issues were related to trying to glue all these pieces back, but they were rarely holding together.
The Holy Spirit reminded me that Jesus’ hands and body, like my heart, had already been cut and bruised when He was crucified for my salvation and that He knows how to help me.
He told me that Jesus is humble and kind and gentle, that He really wants to help me. He cannot wait until I can give Him my heart voluntarily and accept Him whole-heartedly, then He can show me peace. Jesus wants to give me rest for my soul, my spirit and my body. He wants to heal me while He fights the battle for me.
Matthew 11:28-30 NIV “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
By trusting my own cleverness and strength, I was broken into pieces.
Proverbs 23:4 NIV “Do not wear yourself out to get rich; do not trust your own cleverness.”
With my prayer counsellors, I renounced spiritual ties with all idols, generational curses, fear, burden, anxiety and condemnations. We prayed to invite Jesus into my heart and to give Jesus my heart. I was baptised in the name of the Father, Jesus Christ and Holy Spirit.
During baptism, I asked if the guy I was seeing was the right one, and if not, I asked the Lord to silence all my distractions. Something very unexpected happened on the night of my baptism. I stopped seeing that guy. It wasn’t a right fit; he called it off the same night.
The next day, my dad even said that no one will ever love me again. If it was the old me, I would have burst into tears. But I didn’t.
It was God’s choice as I sought His guidance that morning on the relationship. I asked if this was part of God’s plan, and He needed to make it more obvious. I didn’t resent my dad either. I know he is only human, and humans make mistakes.
I have felt more hope afterwards but life after baptism is not a smooth journey, it is not black magic, it is not an answering machine to all of our problems. Walking with God is not about “quick fixes” that leave us disconnected from God. Through the Holy Spirit, God will change us, step by step, to direct us to the right path. He builds strength in us to feel that unshakable peace and joy. He transforms us, teaches us, and guides us to who He has envisioned us to become. That’s the power of God.
Speaking of the four pillars, I believe the only pillar we ever need is Jesus.
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