Jesus shows lawyer way out of severe anxiety
E felt anxious about many things and found it difficult to focus at work. As she sought God’s counsel during renewal prayer, the Holy Spirit showed E the roots of her anxiety and set her on a new path of renewing her mind and life. Praise God!
I shared with my Love the Lord women’s group about how disappointed I was with myself and my career achievements.
I always felt that God blessed other women in their professions but not me. Even though I was being reminded that God loves me so much, I really could not feel it. My group leaders subsequently asked if I would like to do another renewal prayer and I agreed.
That was back in February. My second renewal prayer took place on Easter Sunday in April. The two months leading up to the renewal prayer were very challenging – it felt like I had lost my mind!
Something happened at work which made me very anxious. My imaginative thoughts went wild and I could not sleep.
Some nights, I dreamt that my bosses and colleagues said I am worthless. The thought of being fired keep lingering in my mind for those two months. This led to a relapse into depression and anxiety. It was so bad that I couldn’t take care of my two-year-old girl. There were times I broke down crying non-stop. I also had panic attacks – which I had not had for the past 15 years.
When I arrived for renewal prayer, I felt awkward seeing my prayer counselors. They reminded me of my school days when the principal and his/her “lieutenants” would lecture me or point out all my faults and weaknesses. I felt I would be condemned once again during my prayer session.
It took me by surprise when a prayer counsellor was led by the Holy Spirit to kneel down before me to apologise on behalf of all authoritative figures in my life.
She acknowledged that they did not respect me or treat me unfairly. I was very shocked because I did not deserve that. By her action, I realised that I need to receive God’s love despite the fact that no one deserves His forgiveness and love. I am worthy of His love because of what Jesus has done for me on the cross.
The prayer session also showed me two things that blocked me from feeling God’s love. One was partly because the people I had met in my life had made me feel unloved or worthless. I also felt God loves others more than He loves me.
Another source of the blockage was my earthly father. I never felt I was my dad’s priority or that my dad would lay down his life for me and my sister.
As a young child in primary school, I remember my dad would like to gamble and go out for “happy hour” after work. Sometimes, he would return home very late, leaving my sister and me to eat dinner alone at home.
One winter night, our part-time nanny was not able to pick me up after school and my dad had to do it. He showed up so late that the school had already closed and I was left outside the school gate waiting alone. It was a quiet night and the street was dim. There were no cellphones back then and I couldn’t find my dad.
No matter how my head would tell myself how much my dad loves me, I felt abandoned by him.
I once told a psychologist that I had given up on building a relationship with my dad or getting to know him because I felt I was not important to him. This changed after I was shown how to express my anger about my dad to my Heavenly Father and explicitly said that I would forgive my dad. After that, I could see my dad more from the viewpoint of his loneliness and his need of being needed.
I now feel less pain if my dad does not want to stay on a zoom call for more than a few minutes with my daughter and me when we call to say goodnight. I used to feel that he does not love me and his grandchild. But now, I can see beyond this and my heart aches a little less.
Next, I was led to confess my family’s idol worship and witchcraft practices.
My family’s occult practices have had a great impact on my spiritual life and my relationship with God.
In fact, I felt a lot of fear of my paternal grandparents when I tried to cut off ungodly soul ties with my family’s occult practices. I kept seeing a vision of my dead grandfather telling me not to be unfaithful to him. My prayer counsellors explained that this was a demonic spirit from the occult worship that was disguised as my grandfather who was trying to keep me from being set free by God. We told it to leave in Jesus’ name.
This manifestation also revealed an inner vow I had made because of a childhood incident. When I was four, I told my paternal grandmother that she had mistreated my sister, who was under her care at that time, in front of the entire family. I remember following her from the kitchen to the living room, questioning her on why she would mistreat my sister.
I was ashamed of that thoughtless childhood comment and the way it deeply wounded my relationship with my grandmother.
Ever since then, my grandmother built up a distance or boundary between us, right up until the last days of her life. She asked me to leave the hospital while I was trying to stay by her side in her final hours (or at least this is how I saw our relationship).
During the prayer session, I remembered an inner vow I had made when I first returned to Hong Kong about 10 years ago. I vowed that “I would mend the feuds or broken relationships within my extended family.”
The vow was driven by the shame and the love I didn’t receive from my grandmother. I felt that I had to make up for past times.
That day, I broke the inner vow in Jesus’ name. Through my renewal prayer, I learned that it is not my responsibility to keep my extended family connected with each other. It is the individual’s responsibility to change and mend their ways.
It has been freeing to break away from the vows that I had made. I no longer feel the guilt of my comments because God has forgiven me.
Next, we talked about my work. Many times, I could not focus at work.
Often, I would be so confused and not sure how to go about resolving the issues at work. I always thought that I am just stupid and without much intellect. It never occurred to me that my “insane” mind or confusion was due to my spiritual gift of discernment. I am more prone to “sensing’ the unholy spirits at my workplaces (where there is a lot of fengshui).
Since I did not know about my gift of spiritual discernment and how to use it, this became like an un-reined horse gone wild.
This led to confusion and even manifested physically as headaches.
From renewal prayer, I learned that:
- I am not stupid – but I would need to depend on God. I should ask God for help whenever I do not know how to do things at work.
- I need to pray to protect myself from the spirits of the workplace and arm myself with God’s truth and words.
- I have to take my thoughts captive. I have let Satan overtake my imagination for so long. I repented for using my imagination to think malicious thoughts where I wished for someone to die and for God to punish them.
Taking my thoughts captive is still a struggle but I know that I come from a place of victory – I must refuel myself with God’s words and constantly remind or stop myself from having those thoughts.
Praise God that I now feel less anxious and can be more focused.
I also enjoy being a mother more than before. I felt less anxious when my little one throws tantrums in public. Before, I just felt exasperated and even embarrassed. My head would often hurt when she does this but now, the headaches come less often. I can also think more clearly.
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