Jesus shows counsellor root to struggles with porn
B has been walking closer and closer with God but found himself still vulnerable to using pornography, in an unconscious effort to compensate for heavy emotional burdens and frustrations with his mother. Through prayer, the Holy Spirit revealed the root of his struggles began with an inner vow he had made inside his mother’s womb, and set him free with the truth. Praise God!
I have been a baptised Christian for over a decade and a prayer counselor for a few years now.
I love Jesus and I have always wanted to pursue His holiness and righteousness. It gives me so much joy to witness the power of the Holy Spirit and have fellowship with Him. Throughout the years, I was blessed to experience God’s faithfulness through the miracles and transformation He did in my life.
However, there is one particular stumbling block that I have not yet been able to overcome.
I have been addicted to pornography since my early teens.
Being a follower of Christ, I am aware of what the Bible says about lust and sexual impurity; I recognise how the enemy is the father of lies; I know in my mind that God has given me the power to resist and overcome temptation. I’m also familiar with what can trigger me to sin!
However, whenever lustful temptations hit me, I felt powerless to resist, as if a part of my conscience was asleep.
I tried rebuking the enemy out loud so many times, but it seemed like my words had no sound. I was so confused and frustrated with these feelings of lust, and that frustration itself just gave me more of a “reason” to surrender to my flesh.
“But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.” (James 1:14-15)
My addiction drew me into a vicious cycle of shame, rejection and more numbing by using pornography.
This stronghold often opens doors for the enemy to influence my thoughts and emotions. One thing that I noticed was that during my weakest moments, the enemy loves to tempt me to doubt my faith:
“Is your love for God even genuine?”
“Aren’t you supposed to hate evil and love justice?”
“You’re not truly repentant if you keep running back to the same sin.”
If not discerned carefully, these questions actually sound quite godly. But I reckon that these accusations do not come from God.
Nonetheless, I thought these are legitimate questions to ask the Holy Spirit and have Him search my heart. You will see how God has answered all these questions at the end of this testimony.
There was one night that I dreamed of my single-mother (a divorced parent) wanting to marry me. I remember waking up feeling forced, defiled and unclean. As bizarre as that sounds, those were not unfamiliar feelings that I had experienced growing up.
In my very first renewal prayer session, it was revealed to me that my mother and I had a rather ungodly relationship.
I could recount on multiple occasions when my mother and I had crossed emotional and physical boundaries.
Growing up, I was the source of comfort for my mother, in which she shares all her burdens with me, and I felt the need to attend to her adult problems and stress. As a growing teenage boy, I shared a bed with my mother, thinking that it was fine.
Now that I am an adult, I still feel the need to offer my mother emotional comfort and submit to her.
On the outside, I was “mommy‘s boy“ who was caring and obedient to my mother, but deep down I harbored anger and resentment because my boundaries were violated.
I was recently prayed for. The prayer counselor suggested that I ask the Holy Spirit why I felt the need to attend to my mother’s emotions and give up my boundaries, and why I felt like I had no choice.
I then heard, in the spirit, my mother’s voice – a muffled talking voice, as if I was in her womb. I could hear her crying and sense her anxiety and sorrow. I knew that my mother was unhappy about her marriage when she was carrying me, but I never considered how that affected me as a fetus.
During the prayer session, I curled up and felt fearful. I was led to ask the Holy Spirit what I had decided to believe in my mother’s womb.
He revealed to me that I have vowed to “keep my mother happy at all cost in order to maintain peace” even before I was born.
The Holy Spirit has also reminded me of a time when my mother was scolding me. Despite feeling accused and unfair, I simply said sorry, again, in order to keep my mother happy and maintain peace. By doing so, I have traded my will, my conscience, my morals, and my “no’s” for what I believed was peace – because of the inner vow before I was born.
It all made sense to me now why I felt powerless when I rebuked the enemy for tempting me.
As much as I hated evil, I was unable to resist because I gave away “no’s” as a child, and never learned to exercise my will properly.
I also could not be truly repentant because my repentance loses its moral value when it was just to maintain peace. I was reminded by my prayer counselor that God calls us to be peacemakers, not peace-keepers.
I was surprised by how an inner vow that I had made in my mother’s womb grew into this huge stronghold that controlled my life. I repented for living by this inner vow and for enabling my mother to violate my boundaries and manipulate my emotions.
After renouncing the inner vow, I sobbed deeply, in a good way, where I finally felt a godly sorrow that corresponds to my hatred of evil.
I praise God for this much-needed emotional release that allowed me to feel what he felt.
For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death. (2 Corinthians 7:10)
You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. (Psalm 51:16-17)
Father God has also shown me an image of me, as a fetus, being cupped safely in His hand. It felt warm and secure on all sides.
Father also invited me to rest on His chest. This time, instead of hearing the muffled cry of my mother, I heard the vibration from God’s voice. The vibration was comforting and restorative.
Since the prayer session, I’ve been reminding myself every day that Jesus Christ conquered the cross so that I didn’t have to be enslaved to sin anymore and I am given the freedom to choose and exercise my will.
The world still remains seductive as it is, but I now have a greater power to resist and reject the temptations.
I need to stand firm in protecting my boundaries and the temple of the Holy Spirit. Instead of “feeling” powerless, I can now exercise my conscience and yield to God to fight the battle for me.
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