Jesus sets banker free from shame
L is a banker who was successful on the outside but was filled with anger and shame on the inside. Here is her testimony of how she learnt to break free from her pain through repentance and embraced all that God has prepared for her. Praise God!
I was in a relationship with an abusive man for four years.
From the beginning, I knew that he wasn’t a good guy. But I was at the age where I wanted to get married and have children, and he seemed to offer a “decent package”. I was attracted to his looks, career and intelligence, and he appeared to be available. All this turned out to be too shallow.
Deep down, he was very dark, very abusive and would say anything to destroy my self-esteem. He would say things like he was so kind to pick me, a broken doll, from the trash. His words made me feel totally unworthy. I was in so much pain that I would use a ruler to cut my wrists and think about committing suicide. I ended up totally denying myself and worshipping him. I even went to study feng shui, fortune telling, and different kinds of idol worship because he wanted better fortunes. I absorbed so much anger through him and all sorts of ungodly spirits I had worshipped that I would curse all the time. I didn’t realise what a terrible, mean and unloving person I had become. Those four years were my darkest days.
After a very painful breakup, a dear friend brought me to church.
At first, I was very sceptical and had a lot of doubts about God, even though I had attended a Catholic school and studied the Bible for more than 10 years. I just wanted Him to give me a quick fix and quick healing.
Because of my unbelief and selfish motives, I, of course, didn’t experience God or answered prayers. I felt ashamed for a lot of the things I had done and felt very unworthy of Him. I didn’t know how to love or to be loved, no matter how many times I read the Bible and other fellow Christians told me that God loves me. My friend decided to introduce me to her mentor, who asked me some questions about my upbringing, and specifically about my grandmother. God immediately revealed some past wounds from my childhood that needed to be healed.
I was fostered at my grandmother’s home together with my cousins. Being very traditional, she believed that all resources, love and attention should be given to the boys in the family. She would compare our grades in school, how we behaved at home and so on.
As a result, I always needed to excel in order to prove myself. I became very judgmental and prideful.
How others looked at me became extremely important. This was why I clung on to the abusive relationship for so long. I didn’t want to be seen as “single” at my age and be judged by others.
My friend’s mentor showed me how to invite Jesus to heal these wounds so that I could receive His love with a healthy heart. This was the beginning of several spiritual breakthroughs. Later on, I joined a small Christian discipleship group and started to learn about God’s truths and how to have a relationship with Him.
When my discipleship leader invited me to a full day renewal prayer session to identify other strongholds that were holding me back from God, I immediately agreed. First, I filled out a very detailed questionnaire to identify my past wounds, inner vows, generational curses etc. The whole process of digging deep into our long-buried memories can be quite painful, and I was shocked at the number of strongholds I had accumulated since young.
On the day itself, I learnt how to peel them all off layer by layer, by repenting, cutting them off and asking the Holy Spirit to cleanse me and protect me. The result was amazing.
It was like knocking down walls of bricks that had been blocking me from God.
Ever since then, I no longer feel unworthy, shameful or unclean in front of God. My love and trust in God have grown so much that sometimes I can’t stop praising Him. I am just so overwhelmed by His love, goodness, faithfulness and grace. I feel His presence, hear His messages more loudly and clearly, and see the vision and purpose He has for me. I am now very clear about my identity in Christ and I don’t desire things that I used to. I still struggle with worldly things from time to time, but once I feel I am drifting away from God, I will remember to cleanse myself through repentance and prayer.
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