Jesus replenishes and heals architect
E lived with unbelief as a result of many lies that were planted in her heart since young. Often shamed by others growing up, she felt a lot of pressure and burdens. Jesus showed her that He is the One who takes on her burdens and quenched the thirst in her soul for joy. Praise God!
In the midst of many troubles and a heavy workload, God reached out to comfort me.
I happened to pass a friend a book at church when she asked, “How are you feeling?” My emotions started to flow out. She then asked, “Sad?” I almost couldn’t hold my tears back. She then asked some prayer counsellors present to pray for me.
I told them about what I had been going through. One of them saw a vision of me stabbing myself with a knife. Immediately, I remembered that when I was in secondary school, I carved a pair of wings on my desk. It was a time I felt very trapped in life and wanted to escape from my parents and from life. I had thoughts of suicide.
Another prayer counsellor received the words, “make mistakes,” from the Holy Spirit. Then, I remembered an incident when my dad said “I have already told you once. How come you are making the same mistake again?” He was going through my exam papers and saw an English grammar mistake I had made for the second time. There was another time when I scored so low in an English test, 84/100. My dad got really angry. I was so scared that I fainted. When I woke up, my dad took me to see the doctor. On the way to see the doctor, he was still yelling at me.
This was not the first time I have received prayer counselling. A few years ago in an earlier prayer time, God revealed in a vision that Jesus had walked behind me on the way to the clinic, He stayed with me when I felt so lonely and scared.
However, I had so much doubt, thinking that maybe the vision was just an imagination from my head.
Then I heard the prayer counsellor ask me this question, “Who do you think your gift of imagination is from?” I suddenly realised that Jesus really was with me. He is the one who allowed me to see where He was. Satan was just deceiving me to use my own gift to attack myself. Clearing away this doubt removed a big obstacle.
After that, the Holy Spirit led a prayer counsellor to ask another question, “Did anyone ever say that you are useless?” I remembered a school teacher had said to me “You might as well drop out, rather than stay in the class.”
I had attended the top class in an elite school which was very competitive. At that time, my results were the worst in class. I felt like I was a shame to everybody. My classmates would also ask me to work harder because my results were so “bad”.
I subconsciously agreed to these lies, and thought I really should work harder and not be a burden and a shame.
Another teacher who taught me chemistry once threw my workbook into the rubbish bin because I hadn’t written my name on the top right hand corner as she had required. I felt very much humiliated. At the same time, I was very ashamed of my “bad” chemistry results and suspected this was the reason why my chemistry teacher didn’t like me.
Looking back, I considered these events to be minor – but they caused me to agree with the lie that “I am useless”. I was crying very hard as I recalled these memories.
When my tears were still all over my face, I saw Jesus again.
He was very tall and standing in front of me. This time, He said to me, “You are good, unique, special, and precious. You are not just another one of my daughters. You are precious.” I ran to Jesus and hugged His legs.
Looking back, I slowly believed many lies from these childhood events and made many inner vows in response. They were, “I am a shame to the class”, “I was just lucky to be in the best class”, “I am all alone”, “Jesus is not here with me”, “I have to keep up”, “I have to work harder”, “I can’t make mistakes”, “I can’t make the same mistake again”, “I can’t make mistakes (to destroy the peace in the family and) to cause others to suffer”, and “I rather be the one to suffer than other people”.
With the Holy Spirit’s counsel, I was able to understand where my deep sadness and sorrow came from. I carried burdens and grudges in my heart that grew and grew.
I nurtured my inner vows and tortured myself. But God did not desire for me to continue like this.
So, one by one, I replaced my inner vows with His truth. I declared out loud that I do not have to live up to the world’s standard or the standards that my parents, teachers or classmates have set for me. I am designed uniquely by God to do His creative work; which does not require me to do well in chemistry. I am not perfect and it is okay to make the same mistake again. God has put me in my school for a purpose and for the friendships He has blessed me with. He is always with me even when I cannot feel Him.
Next, I was guided to repent for submitting to the lies I have believed in and for judging others, and then to forgive my classmates, teachers, my parents and myself.
The grudges I was holding were so strong that it wasn’t easy for me to let them go. I cried even harder.
At one point, I had to kneel on the floor and fully submit my flesh to God as I repented and released forgiveness. While I rejected the inner vow, “I rather be the one to suffer than other people,” I saw myself walking out from a very small square-shaped birdcage and felt my back physically loosened. I had not told the prayer counsellors that I had been having backache for a long time.
A prayer counsellor later also confirmed that she saw me bending my body down in a small prison, just like the cage I described. This is why I had been feeling physically oppressed on my back. I did not realise that as I said such inner vow, I have invited Satan to send me sufferings and burdens. There were spirits of torment, torture, self-pity, Jezebel, sorrow, death, and lies that I have invited into my life that separated me from God. That day, I repented and cast them out.
I ran to Jesus as I left the prison. I thanked Him for suffering for my sin.
This time, He was not standing up. He bent down and put His hand over my head which I liked very much. He kissed me and said “It’s ok. I don’t remember your mistakes. You don’t have to remember your mistakes.”
Hebrews 8:11-12 And they shall not teach, each one his neighbor and each one his brother, saying, ‘Know the Lord,’ for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest. For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.”
I asked if He could carry me and He did. He said to me, “I know you are tired. Let me carry you. You don’t have to walk. Let’s go somewhere you want to go”. Then I saw a river. We sat down by the water. Jesus said, “Let’s just sit here. Sit next to Me.”
Another prayer counsellor asked, “What is that river?” I had the word “replenish”. The water in the river is drinkable, so I drank and drank without stopping. I didn’t know I was so thirsty (for His Spirit). It was in the vision that I was drinking, but at the same time, I was reminded by the Holy Spirit to drink with my breath so I breathed. I had to physically inhale very deeply, one breath after another, as if I have forgotten to breathe before. After drinking for a while, my whole body started to loosen up. I knew He really is the Source of Life.
I didn’t know Father would want to just sit next to me, doing nothing by the river.
It was precious for me to be able to rest with Jesus and in Him. Jesus then picked me up and put me on His shoulder. He said “Ouch, it hurts when you pull My hair.” He said so because I was trying to cover His eyes with my hands and pulled His hair while He piggybacked me. I found it funny. I never knew Jesus could be fun and so close to me.
At the end, I visited God’s throne room and declared, “It is okay to make mistakes for God’s glory. I love myself, including my appearance.” I asked God to fill me with joy and I left the room with joy and lightness.
His counsel was gentle and His timing was perfect. How can I hide myself away from my Lord? This time of my encounter with Jesus opened to me a new spectrum of His characters. And I know He is never too far away from me.
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