Jesus reminds director of his sonship position
J strived to be a godly man and husband. God gently revealed how J had become judgmental, proud, and distant from Him in the process, and reminded him to simply rest in his sonship position with his Father in heaven. Praise God!
Renewal prayer helped unfold many spiritual blind spots and restored my sonship relationship with God.
I completed the renewal prayer questionnaire over a period of about two weeks and prayed each time to have the right mindset to answer the questions truthfully, without holding back. I also fasted on two separate days and asked the Holy Spirit to remove any mental blockages that prevented me from recalling certain memories. On the day of the renewal prayer, I felt calm and peaceful, but a part of me was also nervous. I didn’t know what the Holy Spirit would reveal.
Before we began, it was recommended that I pray specifically about the abortion I had in the past with an ex-girlfriend. As I prayed, I saw an image of my unborn child. I repented afterwards and received some words directly from God.
Despite His heart being broken over the aborted child, God said that I was forgiven.
God wanted me to experience true forgiveness so that I, too, can practice forgiveness, especially towards my wife, whom I had been experiencing marriage and parenting struggles with.
Many times during the renewal prayer, I had to ask the Holy Spirit for help to overcome my mental blockages, especially about my childhood. Growing up, I didn’t feel nurtured by both my parents. My mom loved me but I don’t think she knew how to raise the future generation. My dad was an absent dad because he was so focused on his work. He was not involved in raising me. Yet he would criticise me. To me, that was hypocritical.
I became quite bitter about my dad, blaming him for not knowing how to raise me to be a man. My relationship with him has been broken ever since.
I don’t remember much of my childhood. I have very few memories of myself until I was about 10-12 years old. I had even fewer memories of interactions with my parents, especially with my dad. During one of the prayers, I asked the Holy Spirit to reveal and unblock the blockages. Within seconds, images from my childhood started to be released and come back.
One image, in particular, was of me playing with my dad when I was about five or six years old. I clearly saw that my dad was happy and he enjoyed playing with me. We were enjoying one another’s company! It has been extremely difficult for me to associate anything positive with my dad – until that day.
I believe the recall of a positive memory was to help me on the path of forgiveness for how I felt my dad has wronged me over the years.
Another key takeaway of this session was the revealing of all the inner vows I’ve subconsciously made. I learned that inner vows are difficult to spot and they can come from a seemingly harmless source. For example, one of the many inner vows I identified was that I promised myself that “I need to be a godly man and husband”.
This inner vow to be godly seems like it comes from a good place but in reality, it has made me judgmental and self-righteous.
I learned that inner vows will have different negative impacts on different people but the pattern is consistent – whenever an inner vow is made, you have made a promise to yourself and it often sounds like “I will never” or “I promise, I will…”.
These vows and commitment almost always put the self over God. This is an extremely dangerous posture to be in when we put our destiny in our own hands rather than first going to God.
The result of all these inner vows I’ve made caused me to be self-righteous, putting myself above God and I gave myself the “right” to pass judgment on others. This made me judgmental towards my wife and my family for not being “godly” enough.
This constant act of judgment allowed me to mask the wounds and fears I had. This self-protection mechanism I’ve built up over the years helped conceal my weaknesses and protected me from exposing myself to the world. While it did all of that, it also prevented me from having a genuine relationship with God.
It closed up my heart. Therefore, as much as I wanted to grow spiritually, it always felt like I was moving one step forward and two steps back.
In repenting of the inner vows I’ve made, God spoke through my prayer counsellor who helped me see myself through God’s eyes.
God was pained to see me shut down my heart. He longs to walk this journey with me. He reminded me that when pride comes into my life, I am unequally yoked with Him and I will never be able to walk with Him. He wants my heart to be broken and be rebuilt from the ground up so I can become more like Him. And He wants me to rest in his arms.
Hearing God’s words gave me a sense of comfort. It also made me see how incredibly loving and forgiving He is, despite me failing Him so many times.
I realised that I had become calculating and judgmental because I had unconsciously been afraid I was not good enough for God. The sonship that I mentioned earlier, is something God has always wanted with me and I am able to see that firsthand, and for the first time, to hear directly from God. My identity was not based on my works but on my position as His son.
It was a long prayer session and we covered a lot of ground. Overall, there were revelation, repentance, forgiveness, wiping away of sins, promises of hope, restoration of a relationship and a beautiful reminder of the joy and boundless love that only our Lord God can offer.
To me, this is only the beginning. My renewal prayer experience has helped me highlight the areas I need to work on and helped restore and solidify the promise God had made for me – that I am forever His son. As long as I humbly follow Him rather than take things into my own hands, no one can ever take away my sonship relationship with God.
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