Jesus purifies a mother’s heart

F struggled with an unspoken fear of not being loved by her daughter. As she sought the Holy Spirit’s guidance, God revealed several hidden judgements in her heart that He gently led her to address and confess. After she laid down her burdens in the name of Jesus Christ, F has begun to walk in greater freedom with the Holy Spirit. Praise God!

(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 耶稣洁净一位母亲的心 | 繁體中文 > 耶穌潔淨一位母親的心)

For a few months, I had been wondering why I was feeling so tired, guilty, and heavy.

I had prayed and repented of sins I could think of and tried renewing my mind with the Bible, but it just felt difficult to love others. The heaviness of guilt just seemed to keep me down. During these struggles, I was invited to do a second renewal prayer and felt it was time. I needed help.

I recently became a mother and found God uses my daughter to reveal my fears and insecurities. One of these fears has been that my daughter would not know that I love her.

Out of guilt and a drive to make my daughter love me, I would buy her many toys and healthy foods, to ensure she had the best.

I would plan and orchestrate to ensure her present caregivers would easily be their best selves and have great relationships with her.

I thought the root of this fear stemmed from my experiences with my own mother, who was a working mum, and from some traumatic experiences from my childhood, which the Holy Spirit had revealed during my first renewal prayer session. However, this time, He revealed the root of my striving was much deeper.

The prayer counsellors led me to ask the Holy Spirit to show me what my experience was like in the womb, but I could not hear or sense anything – it was blank. The prayer counsellors also sensed that in the womb, I felt empty, lonely, neglected, uncelebrated, and unloved.

It was in the womb that I vowed to make my mum and everyone love me.

As a child, I quickly learnt that being good brought praise, and so I continued to work hard at being good, and this spread to all aspects of my life. I had been striving to be good and lovable all my life. Not just good, but the best. And it was exhausting.

But the truth is, even Jesus said, God alone is good. In my striving, I had not accepted the grace and love of God. It was works, not grace.

Mark 10:18  “Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone.

I was not boasting in my weaknesses, I was trying to correct my weaknesses.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10  And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in distresses, in persecutions, in difficulties, in behalf of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

I was not walking by the Spirit and allowing Him to lead me, but planning my life and praying for blessings, but not truly submitting my life.

I renounced the inner vows of having to be good from the womb. The Holy Spirit showed me that my memory and experience of the womb were not accurate. God revealed that He had been with me, even in the womb, He was hugging me. And far from being alone, uncelebrated, and unloved, God had loved me from the beginning. In fact, He told me He had especially set aside time to design and make me. He super, super, super wanted me! He made me with intent, love, beauty, and joy!

I forgave my mum for how she felt when she was pregnant with me.

And I also repented of working to make my daughter love me. I prayed for God to show me how to live in His love, to accept His love and to show me how to love my daughter the way she needs. I repented and renounced the need for other people’s approval and love, and for seeking their positive judgements over God’s.

Days after my prayer session, God reminded me that the “immeasurably more” He promised me, the best things in my life that I am most grateful for today, came when He defied my plans. When my plans were thwarted, and in spite of my weaknesses, He gifted me with the things I treasure most – my husband, our home, our daughter, my job, my health.

I can boast about none of these. They are not my works. But they are all by the power and grace of God.

Ephesians 3:20-21  Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!

Ever since my prayer session, I have found my time with my daughter freer and lighter, and truly transformed. When I am tempted to perform around her or for her to perform, I pray for the both of us, that we would be filled with the Holy Spirit, live in God’s love, and just love each other as we are led to.

During my renewal prayer, I also repented of, renounced associations with, and cut soul ties with gods often worshipped by my ancestral clans.

My mum’s family were several generations of Christians, but we still felt that there were influences from the occult.

There were also several occult practices that I repented of from my own life, such as visiting temples in Japan, throwing fortune sticks, participating in tea ceremonies, and dressing up as fairies, witches, the devil, superheroes, goddesses, and other characters for Halloween and other parties.

I also cut soul ties with specific people in my past, who I knew had influence over me and who practiced the occult.

One of my prayer counsellors had been feeling very sick, and the Holy Spirit informed us it was related to Hindu texts. Whilst I had little memory of reading or studying these texts, it was unsurprising as I had read many texts from different religions as a student. I repented of reading and studying all such texts and asked for God to cleanse my mind.

Now with a clearer mind, I am able to see that those texts were written by Satan, to corrupt and pervert. Praise God that I was led to repent and cut ties with these texts.

Because I had an inner vow to be good, I had felt that I had failed in many ways. I was led to forgive myself for all my mistakes.

I was also reminded that Satan is an accuser, and I had to learn to identify that voice and tell him to shut up! In God’s love, I have permission to be less, to make mistakes, and to walk out of these expectations and chains I was trapped by.

God sees my mistakes and still loves me! I have to trust and know that God is able and willing to redeem all things, He will perfect and make everything good.

Psalm 138:8  The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands.

I also prayed to ask God to help me just listen to His voice, to silence all other voices, and only seek His.

I broke off all other yokes, chains, and expectations from others, including those dearest to me, and committed myself to only being yoked to God.

His yoke is easy and light. He is gentle and kind. He is the One who calls me to things. Just as He took Adam and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and care for it, He has taken me into this world and entrusted me with His calling and people and missions.

Matthew 11:28-30  “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

But because of my hunger to be good, I had taken on many callings to be good, many of which were self-ascribed callings. I had to repent of this.

I am learning to pray and trust God, and only pursue and obey the callings from Him, and be freed from the callings that I plan.

1 Thessalonians 4:11-12  and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.

Since my prayer session, I have been feeling much less exhausted – spiritually, emotionally and even physically!

I have also been able to enter God’s Sabbath and rest. Being freed of having to be good – good in my own eyes and good in the eyes of others – has been so liberating, in my spirit, on my time, and for my relationships.

I feel no shame in not being able to be there for everyone, or to decline invitations, even if they are for good purposes or loved ones.

I can trust that if God says it is not my time, or my calling, that He knows and He is right and He is good.

I also spent a long time in my prayer session repenting of judgements against my family, most of all against my mother. These judgements prevented me from seeing her as God sees her, prevented me from having compassion, prevented me from loving her and forgiving her.

The Bible warns that how we judge others, we too will be judged!

Matthew 7:1  “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.

I have been blessed with the spiritual gift of exhortation – which is a gift of encouragement. However, this gift can be corrupted in a few ways.

I can use this gift on myself, to self-soothe and comfort myself. However, this deprives me of the opportunity to be comforted by God. I became my own comforter and gave opportunities for Satan to speak to me. From my elevated comforted position, I easily fall into the temptation to judge others.

The gift of exhortation allows me to see where others need encouragement. So, I have a choice; to judge them for their weaknesses or needs or to encourage them and point them to God and the truth.

Praise God, the Holy Spirit led me to repent of many, many, many judgements. I was shocked by the extent and details that I had judged those closest to me.

Since my renewal prayer, I have continued to repent of all the judgements I have made against others, as the Holy Spirit reminds me.

Whenever I have difficulty empathising, or find myself judging, or being impatient with someone, I sense that there are unresolved judgements I have made against them, and God is beckoning me to repent. Because when there are judgements between us, and sin between me and God, it is so hard to love them!

Since beginning to repent of judgements, I have found it more natural and freeing to encourage others! And to celebrate God’s goodness in their lives.

 

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