Jesus helps manager’s inner child confess her pain
E struggled to connect with her emotions, having been taught growing up that feelings did not matter and were of no help. As a result, she sometimes struggled to acknowledge her true desires and needs. Through a time of prayer with some friends to seek the Holy Spirit’s counsel together, E was guided by God to confess all the suppressed emotions of her inner child and experienced the start of His healing and renewal. Praise God!
Growing up, I never felt that I had fully grown up. At least, not in the way I’d like to believe.
For a significant part of my life, I felt that there was always an internal child inside of me who has something to feel or say.
I felt that this was the “childhood me”. A childhood me whose voice was never heard. My laughter or cries was all just a whisper to those who were taking care of me. When defending my needs, a small roar was still disregarded. Growing up, I was called “selfish” if I didn’t prioritise others’ feelings or needs over my own or other people’s.
As I grew older, I noticed that sometimes, when a tantrum or reluctance is about to incite within me, it is from an origin that feels all too familiar and personal, yet unacknowledged and therefore, distant.
The older I got, the more I feel emotionally trapped or “suffocated”.
I often subconsciously ask myself, how can I fully understand and unlock this estranged part of myself, a wounded child that has been suppressed, folded into a suitcase and kept hidden and locked up deep down.
I was forced to grow up quickly throughout my childhood. I was made to become independent from a very young age. I had learned not to cry, as crying was a hassle and useless. And since I still cried a lot, I was known as the “crybaby” (“ham bao” in Chinese). This is a name made to shame me as crying had to violate my mom’s motto to take care of others’ needs first (not create hassle). Their feelings were more important and my feelings were not.
If I had tried to say no or thought about it from my “feelings”, I would be called selfish.
Since my mom is the sole breadwinner, my grandma raised me. When mom was home, it would be very late at night, she would often be tired and never want to spend time with me. Mom would often be agitated if I had some request or lash out at me if she had a bad day at work. I would be called “ungrateful” and “selfish”.
As a result of the environment I was in, I often felt shamed, abandoned, neglected and just beaten down as a child. I carried with me this belief that nothing I did was “good enough”. There was always something wrong with me and my feelings are unimportant. I should try even harder to please others (as others are more important) and I should do what they want to make sure that they knew I was “obedient” and that I do care for them. If I was feeling upset and wanted to cry or say no (or just want to be myself doing the things I want to do), I shouldn’t, as that would be selfish.
I also shouldn’t ask for help, as I was taught that would be “burdening” or “bothering” others.
With the help of the Holy Spirit during a renewal prayer session, I re-discovered the hidden child in me. Commonly referred to as the “inner child” – this is a misplaced puzzle piece that is an unconscious part of each person (including myself) shaped during childhood that still begs for the space to be seen and heard.
When it is healthy, I should feel connected to my inner child’s creativity, inspiration, and excitement.
In my case, however, she was wounded – she wanted to feel “loved”, and “understood”, and know that “my feelings matter”, “I’m not selfish”, and “I just want to be a kid and do what I like”. However, none of the feelings and desires were met when expressed. So, as time went on, I grew increasingly disconnected from my inner child. I learned to suppress my feelings down and believe that I don’t matter. I also have repeated thoughts of being here on earth made me a burden to others and that I was a mistake.
I was left feeling perpetually unhappy as a result.
Led by the Holy Spirit, I confessed my childhood hurts to God by conveying the “inner child” in me. I confessed all the hurts and disappointments that my parents and friends did to me as a child.
God was very faithful to heal me and comfort me with His love and truth. I invited the Holy Spirit to draw out my true feelings and unspoken words. I confessed all the things that I never got to say to my mum, elders, and friends who hurt me a lot and did not understand me, saying things such as “you’re wrong”, “you’re useless” or “you’re worthless”.
I then confessed and repented all the judgments and grudges I had towards them. I judged them for not understanding me, showing favouritism, being fake and for being arrogant. After confessing, repenting, and weeping for over an hour, I felt much lighter.
I reconnected with my inner child again.
It was a good cry session of release. I felt as if God has had His hands on me and healed the wounded child inside me. God showed me that I am to love my family and to be patient and kind. The gifts He had prepared for me were more joy, more love, and more peace.
Obviously, I am still on a journey to allow God to help me “unlearn” and “relearn” everything since childhood. To enter the Kingdom of God, I must learn to become like a child as it says in Isiah 54:13-15: “All your children shall be taught by the LORD, and great shall be the peace of your children. In righteousness you shall be established; you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; and from terror, for it shall not come near you. If anyone stirs up strife, it is not from me…”
After the session, I felt a lot of peace and a sense of release after confessing and letting out all the feelings that had been bottled up for years.
I felt a lot more “free” and have the ability to “feel” more now with my emotions. I am more in tune with my emotions and know that it is okay to cry and be upset. It is still a learning process, as I try to identify what all feelings are (i.e. feeling sadness, unsettled), but with the help of the Holy Spirit, all is possible.
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