Jesus heals journalist of insomnia and anxiety
C is a journalist and public figure who privately suffered from deep anxiety and insomnia. Here is her testimony of how Jesus forgave her for turning to new age and occult practices and set her free from fear. Praise God!
For the past ten years, I had always struggled with anxiety and fear.
Sometimes, it would be so serious I would have panic attacks. I also couldn’t sleep well at night and relied on sleeping pills. Instead of looking to God to cure my problems, I always went to people. I saw different types of doctors, including psychiatrists, psychologists, a kinseologist and many different Chinese doctors. I also went through different types of new age healing including mindfulness training and hypnotism.
But no matter who I consulted, no one could help me.
My friends always suggested I should go to church with them, but something in me would tell me if I truly believed in God, why do I need to go to church? After all, it’s about the relationship between me and God. And every time when I did go, I would find myself falling asleep. I also couldn’t concentrate on reading the Bible.
Last year, I signed up to get baptised at church. But in the end, I cancelled it because the thought of getting baptised in front of so many people scared me. I also had this immense fear when I was writing my baptism testimony. I didn’t want people to know I secretly suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. I was ashamed about it. Afterwards, I cancelled my church baptism and felt very guilty for the next few days.
I thought I let God down and that He wouldn’t love me anymore. But that was a lie.
God has his timing and He knows exactly what I need. Around two months after I cancelled my church baptism, I was on the phone with a friend and she suddenly asked me if I was baptised. I said no and she offered to help me with baptism. She explained that baptism is not an act before people but one before God. We are to declare to God that we choose to die Jesus’ death to our flesh and rise again into His resurrected life through the power of the Holy Spirit.
So I instantly said yes! At that moment, I knew God had not given up on me and He is not petty! His love is unconditional.
After I got baptised by the Holy Spirit, things began to change significantly.
I slept every single night and it was also deep sleep as well. I also had the urge to always listen to worship music and read the Bible. It was my source of comfort.
In the week leading up to my renewal prayer, one of my prayer counselors asked me to fast. At first, I was reluctant to do it. But she sent me an article about fasting so I went ahead and did it. I fasted and prayed over lunch for five days.
A few days before my renewal prayer, I had a huge argument with my mum. We were walking inside a mall and we suddenly started arguing over something very small. She was so angry at me that she walked away and went home first. The moment she walked away, I started crying and I just couldn’t control my tears. I also felt this sharp pain in my heart.
This pain was recognisable, it was the exact pain I felt when I was a kid.
I always felt abandoned when I was a kid because I never felt like I belonged to my family. My brother and sister were much smarter than me and it seemed like my mum loved them more because she was always proud of them. For the next three days, I couldn’t stop crying. I just felt very sad.
The Holy Spirit revealed to me that deep down I was suffering from abandonment.
I always thought only orphans would suffer from abandonment issues. In fact, I even answered “no” to the question on abandonment on my renewal prayer form. On the day of my renewal prayer, I told my prayer counselors what the Holy Spirit revealed. To my surprise, one of them told me she had also sensed a spirit of abandonment when she was praying for me.
The renewal prayer process was pretty tough. It lasted for five hours and we prayed over many things, including repenting for the new age and other occult practices I did before, such as hypnotism, feng shui, birthdate reading etc. As I repented and cast out evil spirits, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It was as if something was strangling me. I also felt a lot of needles poking my whole body. But as we prayed, all these gradually went away and I felt more and more free.
During the process, I was asked to forgive my mum. This was something I couldn’t do previously. My prayer counselors kept asking me if it was truly from my heart and at first, I was too scared to tell them I wasn’t really ready to forgive her for all the pain she caused me.
But slowly as we asked the Holy Spirit to cleanse me, the anger, bitterness and resentment towards my mother disappeared.
As my renewal prayer was about to end, my prayer counselors asked me to picture myself in God’s throne room and asked me what I saw. My first image was Jesus sitting on His throne with a white bear next to him. I was confused and asked what it meant. The Holy Spirit revealed to me it was the white teddy bear I had when I was a kid.
I used to always talk to my teddy bear whenever I felt sad, as if I “idolisd” it. I quickly repented over that.
I then closed my eyes again and the next image I saw was myself sitting in Jesus’s throne room but there were a lot of barking dogs at the gate. I believe the Holy Spirit was trying to show me that fear and anxiety came from the enemy. These were the “barking dogs”. But no matter how scary they seemed like, all they could do was just bark. In reality, they couldn’t do anything to me because I am now united with God.
It has been a number of weeks since my renewal prayer. My mother still says hurtful things to me but my feelings towards her are very different now.
God has given me a compassionate heart to understand my mother.
I also don’t worry as much anymore because I know God is in control of everything. Before, I always thought God would only save other people and not me because I wasn’t good enough. But that’s not true. We are all precious and deeply loved by Him. When we repent, he forgives us and washes us clean!
And instead of getting frustrated that thing’s don’t work out my way anymore, I now know God has a much better and bigger plan for me. He says this: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.” Isaiah 55:8
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