Jesus heals counsellor of rebellion against leadership
J felt a calling to pray for and minister to others but realised that she secretly harboured resentment and rejection in her heart towards those in her fellowship group and her pastor. As she sought the Holy Spirit’s counsel through a time of prayer, God showed her the hidden fears and buried judgements inside her heart since birth and set her free as she repented. Praise God!
I was experiencing strong resistance to loving people in my fellowship and listening to my pastor’s sermon.
I began to question why I can love my other Christian friends but I found it hard to love the people from my fellowship. Why it is that I can listen to sermons and Bible teachings on YouTube, but I found it difficult to listen to my pastor’s and elder’s teachings? I remembered that my prayer counsellor had mentioned that my resistance could be a result of my upbringing. So, I reached out to her and decided to uproot this spiritual blockage.
I grew up in a dysfunctional, violent home. I was physically punished by my father and grandfather. Verbal abuse is part of daily life. Not just the men, some of the women in my family are also verbally and emotionally abusive. Because of this, I developed a strong hatred toward adults without being aware of it.
Before entering the workforce, I was always rebellious and never listened to adults.
I always had the attitude that they have no right to criticise anything about me. To fight back against their abusive maltreatment, I often yell and curse them but that just gave birth to more hateful words from them and more gossip among my circle of relatives.
Such strong hate grew deep in my heart and in my gut that I began to shut down and be combative towards all adults. This got me into so much trouble. I disrespected teachers and even policemen. My rebellious and defiant behaviour and attitude got me kicked out of school twice, almost got me handcuffed by a cop, and eventually — like many victims of dysfunctional families — led to me dropping out of school altogether.
God is gracious. In spite of all this, I became a Christian.
I started going to church and began to experience different types of adults.
Some were gentle and kind. It was the first time I experienced adults who actually listened, showed understanding, and did not pretend to listen but then condemned you later so they could puff up their egos and assert power over you.
I also experienced some adults who actually wanted to help. Instead of blaming and scolding me, offering nothing but yelling, they were actually thinking of ways to help me face my problems. I began to hang around with different wise adults. Although I spent most of my time just listening, it was a time well spent. Without anyone realising it, they were depositing into me their wisdom and ways of doing and handling things.
They showed me how to become a better person, how to have a positive outlook, and much more.
One day, I began to withdraw from what they have been imparting and depositing in me. Perhaps Satan knew the power of their sharing and the power of wisdom that can benefit a person’s life, and wanted to keep me blind and foolish.
Even though my church experience fostered positive relationships and positive views toward adults in me, I still had a defiant attitude.
This defiant attitude was usually towards adults in leadership or authority, and especially towards men.
Whenever they spoke, I would be rolling my eyes inside. Whatever they said would just go in one ear and out the other. I could argue that their teaching was boring, but I knew deep down in my heart that something was causing me to not want to listen and not want to stay committed to fellowship. This deep anger, hatred, fear, and self-defence was blocking me from sharing the love from Christ with His people.
I was not an effective vessel but a malfunctioning one!
During my renewal prayer session, God revealed that I was in deep fear, hiding in a dark corner, defending and protecting myself. Because of the physical punishment from my father and grandfather, and the sexual harassment I experienced from men, this strong fear of men had been blocking me from having a normal healthy view of all men in general.
Moving back home and living with my parents, as well as starting to have a few male work colleagues, left me very tired and easily fatigued. My body was often in a tense mode of fear.
At the prayer session, I saw a vision of Jesus coming down to me and inviting me to go to His arms and to cast the job of self-care and self-protection to Him. I cried so much because I wasn’t even aware that fear have been dictating my life and my heart. I was not free.
I was kept captive in that dark corner assuming and thinking of how men would hurt me physically, verbally, or emotionally.
Therefore, I could not develop healthy relationships with any male figure, whether they were peers or elders. Fear tainted my perception of all men. (Even normal work conversations with males took a lot of courage.) This was very likely blocking me from developing any potential romantic relationship.
During the prayer session, the Holy Spirit revealed another reason why I despised my father from young. My father had engaged in sexual misconduct while my mother was pregnant with me. Because of how my mother felt and because of my father’s actions, my spirit recognised his licentiousness from birth.
That is why I felt defiled and dirty whenever my dad was near me or looked at me. That led me to judge my father often.
But the prayer counsellor taught me that I will reap what I sow. When I despise my own father, I am also despising his fruit — me! In a way, I am cursing myself. My judgements of my father also hindered me from having a loving relationship with him.
During the prayer session, the Holy Spirit led me to repent of my judgments towards my father, to forgive him, and to cut ungodly soul ties with him, with the ladies my father engaged in sexual misconduct with, and all the spirits operating through them.
After the prayer, I felt lighter, and I saw a vision of myself rolling joyfully on grass without any shame, even though I was naked. I felt pure and clean. There was no more feeling dirty, ashamed, and defiled.
Praise God He freed me — not just from my judgments of my father, but also my judgments toward myself.
After the renewal prayer, I spent some time thanking God and the Holy Spirit told me to tell my parents that I love them. Without hesitation, I went to my parents and asked them what they were doing. They were doing the usual house chores – preparing and cooking dinner. I said thanks and hugged them, telling them I love them.
They might have thought that I was being silly because hugging and saying “I love you” isn’t common in Asian homes, but their smiles told me that it is worth looking foolish and that they did love it when I showed them love and appreciation.
Some weeks passed after the prayer session, I found that the compassionate love of Christ flows more easily through me.
Whenever I talk to or minister to others, words of love, comfort, or encouragement just flow much easier than before. The thoughts that I am not able to love others or that I am not compassionate enough are gone.
I don’t mean that from now on, I can just be content with the extent of love I am able to give and do not need to reflect, but I can rest from spending time thinking and blaming myself for how I am not able to love. I can spend that time to actually love and encourage others.
God has redeemed my hurts, fear, and lost time.
He has also made me a mouthpiece so whenever He wants to give love and comfort to His people, His words just flows naturally, unforced. I can finally listen to my pastor’s sermon every week. It isn’t that my pastor has suddenly become entertaining while he preaches, it’s because now I am willing to sit under those teachings that God placed me under. I am not defiant anymore. I am obedient to God’s will and plan and accept whoever God had placed into my life to show wisdom. He will help me to become more like Christ, and to love the people around me.
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