Jesus gives prayer counsellor a new heart
D lovingly served others but felt incapable of being compassionate towards her own mother, until she sought God and received numerous revelations. As she repented for judging her mom, Jesus gave her a heart of flesh which brought about greater restoration and blessings on her own family. Praise God!
For most of my life, I held on to past hurts from other people, so much that I feared people.
It has been approximately two years since I first received prayer counseling and began supporting other women’s renewal prayers. Praise God that through continually submitting to Him in prayer and walking with a devoted community of brothers and sisters, I have seen so much renewal, not just in my personal walk but also in my marriage and friendships.
However, I noticed that my relationship with my mother continued to be a stumbling block.
No matter how frequently I repented, forgave her, and silenced the negative thoughts in my head, I would find myself easily inflamed with anger by her words, lashing out in childish ways. I knew this did not please God.
Additionally, I noticed that I was not able to be fruitful in certain areas of my life, including my health, womb, and vocation. (See Deuteronomy 28; Blessings for obedience and curses for disobedience). When I was invited to do a second renewal prayer, I knew I had much to lift up to God.
My prayer time opened with a prayer counsellor sharing a word from God that I would have “a sweeter voice today.”
Unsure what that meant, we continued to the revelation from God that my father’s work was intertwined with a company that made products used for witchcraft and gambling. This business relationship allowed in spirits of witchcraft and occult into our family.
Deuteronomy 18:10-12 NLT … And do not let your people practice fortune-telling, or use sorcery, or interpret omens, or engage in witchcraft, or cast spells, or function as mediums or psychics, or call forth the spirits of the dead. Anyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord…
I was led to confess to God that my father had unknowingly promoted Satan through his work, and cut all ungodly soul ties with the company and broke off the yoke of any curses upon the family in the name of Jesus Christ.
2 Corinthians 6:15 NLT What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?
This helped me to understand why I would frequently see my father, an active church leader, falling asleep at church.
At home, he also frequently fell asleep watching television. A spirit of slumber had entered into our home and my father’s spiritual life due to his business dealings.
Since my father, the spiritual head of the household, was in slumber, this allowed ungodly influences from the women in our household to take root.
Like many Hong Kong households, both my mother and father worked full time.
As a consequence, I was predominantly cared for by Filipina helpers and occasionally, relatives. Growing up, I was afraid of the dark and had vivid nightmares, so my parents would tell our helper to sleep in my room. Our helpers had an ungodly spiritual influence over me. Some brought in discord, lies, and manipulation. That day, I prayed to unyoke myself from our helpers and declared that they were not my guardians. My rightful spiritual guardians growing up were my parents.
My relatives also took care of me when my parents were away for an extended period of time. I remember disliking how a particular relative would kiss me up and down my arm and watch me do my homework. My prayer counsellors sensed that she was filled with loneliness and overcompensated by showering me with love.
During that time, I often cried on the phone to my parents and took “sick” days from school, feigning stomach aches.
The prayer counsellors encouraged me to ask the Holy Spirit to help me go back to my childhood self to express all the feelings I had. I saw myself on the phone, crying and asking my parents when they would come back. In a childish voice, I admitted to not liking that relatives were taking care of me instead of my parents, that I was worried about them, and that going to a new school was really hard.
I was able to release all the suppressed anguish I felt from that time, which I had rationalised away as I knew my parents had no choice and that my relatives loved me. I was then encouraged to ask Jesus where He was at that moment. I saw Jesus next to me and buried my face in His stomach as He stood by the phone.
My prayer counsellors saw that Jesus was combing my hair, that my heart was blackened by the torment and confusion in my heart, but that Jesus had a bucket of water over my head, ready to cleanse and refresh me from head to toe.
My mother had a busy career. Most of the time when I did see her, she would often ask me if I had completed this task or that.
When I shared something she didn’t like about my school or social life, she would become critical and controlling.
Over time, I learned to only report my accomplishments and hide the rest of my life from her.
I made many judgments towards my mother, such as “my mother doesn’t understand me,” “I can never meet her standards,” and “she always tells me what to do.” As an adult, a wave of anger would surge up in my chest every time my mother asked me if I had completed a certain task or if she was critical of me or someone else. I would not be able to resist saying something back. I would even cry sometimes.
I felt like I couldn’t help the feeling in my chest, even though I tried so hard to react more lovingly.
Sometimes I would even catch myself saying similar things to other people as my mother would say to me. I could feel how toxic this had become quite viscerally.
That day, I revoked all my judgments about my mother and replaced them with the truth; “No human can truly understand me, but God fully knows me,” “I don’t need to meet any human standards and will live according to God’s will only,” and “I only need to obey what God tells me to do.”
I repented for the hatred that I had allowed to brew in my chest and for my judgment towards my mother.
It was this judgment that built a wall around me, preventing me from seeing my mom with compassion.
Then God helped me to see her from His perspective – that she had grown up in a performance-oriented and critical home where she learned a form of “righteousness”, which led her to be strict and harsh with herself (and her own family) but generous towards others.
This helped me to understand why she always seemed so encouraging and gentle with other people, but not with me.
God helped me to see that my mother was not judging me, but rather, she was judging herself. She saw me as an extension of herself.
With the walls of judgment down, I was finally able to see my mother with compassion. I wept for her, feeling the pain she must feel from having to perform all the time.
At this time, a prayer counsellor received an image of a whipping spirit and identified this as a spirit of performance, and that the main spiritual force behind it was Jezebel, a spirit of control and manipulation. The performance spirit had lacerated my heart, leaving it blackened.
This was how my heart felt. No matter how much I had grown and been freed in Christ, I would occasionally find myself lashing out from a heart that was black, beaten and wounded. I came to see what a huge effect that spirit of performance had had on my life.
Ephesians 6:12 ESV For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
It also helped me realize that performance was the source of my lack of productivity.
I had been in a state of paralysis from self-criticism due to this performance spirit in my life. My prayer counsellors led me to repent for bowing down to the evil spirits as a result of the fear and judgments in my heart. See Overcoming the spirit of Jezebel.
Then, prompted by the prayer counsellors, I prayed and asked God for a new heart.
I saw a fleshy heart in a box before me but I didn’t know what to do with it. So, I asked God how to use it. At this point, I felt God place the new heart in me. At the same time, I saw an image of my new heart and my old heart on a turnstile. I understood from this vision that whenever I take control of my heart, the turnstile would switch to my old lacerated heart. It was only by letting God take control of my heart that I could keep this heart of flesh in me.
I declared to God that I was letting Him take control of my heart from now on.
I repented for trying to control my own heart, and dedicated my tongue, heart, eyes, and womb to Father God and placed my whole self under His control. I invited Father to be the Leader of my soul and King of my heart.
I asked Father to protect me from being tempted to my old ways, and placed myself in His arms to guide me to go wherever He wanted me to go.
Psalm 51:10 NIV “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me”
At the end of the session, one of the prayer counsellors was prompted to ask me to worship Father by singing in tongues to Him. In the past, I shied away from speaking tongues out loud in front of others for fear of doing it incorrectly. But then, I invited the Holy Spirit to take over my tongue and sang.
Out of my mouth came a heavenly tune in tongues that made me weep from my heart.
This is how God gave me a sweeter voice that day.
Psalm 51:14-15 NIV … my tongue will sing of your righteousness. Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare your praise,
Several months have passed since that day and I continue to praise God in tongues.
Once in a while, seemingly at random, I will feel a soft ache in my heart. While I don’t know what this means, I remember to thank God for the new heart of flesh in me. I also take the opportunity to pay attention to the hearts of those around me and ask the Holy Spirit if He wants me to minister to someone.
I also feel a sense of peace when I’m with my parents.
Whenever there was conflict between them in the past, I would get my weapons out and start fighting too. Now, I am able to observe calmly and see both with compassion and empathy.
There have been occasions where I have back-slid and judged my mother but quickly I would sense the toxic feeling swell up in my chest again. I would feel so sorry to God for taking back my old blackened heart. Time and time again, I’ve repented to Father and asked Him for my heart of flesh again. In His mercy, God always forgives me.
What’s more, God has blessed me with a season of fruitfulness.
My health has improved and my womb has been blessed with a child. God has provided so abundantly for my husband and me. We are so grateful and in awe of Him!
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