Jesus frees young wife from lies about sex
W silently felt duty-bound and joyless about having sex with her husband until the Holy Spirit led her to the lies in her heart about her identity and self-worth that had kept her in bondage. God lovingly showed her the truth about the gift of sexual intercourse between husband and wife and blessed her to enjoy it. Praise God!
My renewal prayer session began with the question: “How is your sex life with your husband?”
Surprisingly, this question opened conversations related to my identity as a woman, wife, and a daughter of God, which on many levels, had been impacted by my prenatal experience, parent wounds, and generational patterns.
I’ve been married for just over a month and struggled to enjoy sex. Sex felt like an activity I needed to do to please my partner rather than something I desired or would initiate.
As I asked the Holy Spirit why I felt this way, I was confronted with another question: “Do you feel like a woman?” Despite being married I still feel and act like a girl.
Although I have physically left my parents, I was still emotionally enslaved to them.
As we asked the Holy Spirit for the reason why I viewed myself as a girl and behaved like one around my parents, I saw an image of a man in the dark holding a knife and stabbing flesh. It was later revealed that I was born via a cesarean and the man represented the surgeon.
I was asked to describe what it was like for me in the womb when the surgery was being performed. The Holy Spirit showed me there were a lot of commotion, fear, confusion, shouting, and someone making a mistake and being called stupid. I could hear the words “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe” and I felt panic and darkness surrounded me as a baby.
As a result, in my mother’s womb, I came to believe in the lie that “I must be small and weak because so many people need to help me come into the world.”
Growing up and even as an adult now, I do battle with an ongoing sense that I am not good enough and lack confidence in many areas of my life which at times, would cause me to project myself as a child and act immaturely.
I was then led to renounce the lies, forgive the doctor for the shocking delivery experience and invite the Holy Spirit to heal and fill me with His peace. I also declared my identity as one fearfully and wonderfully made by my Heavenly Father who knit me in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13-14).
I was further encouraged by a vision shared by the counselor of a multitude of angels singing over my birth.
I no longer saw the ‘dark man’ but bright light covering me and felt the peace of God.
“But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman, subject to the law. God sent him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that he could adopt us as his very own children. And because we are his children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, “Abba, Father.” Now you are no longer a slave but God’s own child. And since you are his child, God has made you his heir.” Galatians 4:4-7
Another question from my prayer counsellor was; “When we are married, we are meant to leave and cleave (Ephesians 5:31).”
“Have you left your family?”
I may have physically left my parents but I knew I was emotionally attached to them. I felt obliged to call them daily and assure them I am here to care for them.
I was reminded of the above verse that I once enslaved to my parents and spirits in the family, but now I am transferred to God. If I continue to behave like a child, I will remain a slave to them.
Growing up, my mum imposed many expectations on me as a daughter. Her traumatic upbringing and broken marriage with my father led to an unhealthy dependency on me as her reason for hope. Over the years, she made hurtful comments that contributed to my feeling of not being a good enough daughter and believing in the lies that:
- It is selfish for me to be happy.
- My parents’ happiness is more important than my happiness.
- My mum has sacrificed a lot for me and the family, I should be doing more to “repay” her.
I was hit by the realisation that I value others’ happiness, especially my parents’ happiness, above my own.
My happiness was dependent on their happiness. I didn’t know how to enjoy my life and love myself. I lost myself and had become enslaved to their emotions and expectations. I experienced extreme guilt if I failed to meet their expectations.
That day, I forgave my parents for the accusations and emotional manipulation and released them to God, knowing that I am not responsible for their happiness and marriage. I prayed to cut spiritual ties with my parents and declared that I am spiritually yoked to my husband. I can speak words of wisdom and life into their lives that can help them heal as a couple.
I also prayed that God would teach me to walk in confidence and embrace my identity as a woman and a wife.
“Do you sometimes feel like you’re sitting outside His throne room and not His daughter?” was the next question inspired by the Holy Spirit.
Even though I knew in my head that Jesus paid it all for me to enjoy a relationship with my Heavenly Father, there were times I was afraid to approach His throne. I felt unworthy to be in His presence. It was later revealed during prayer that this feeling of unworthiness and doubt came from my relationship with my parents, especially my mum who always made me feel like I was not a good daughter.
The song “我願意” (“I’m willing to”) by Faye Wong came up in prayer.
It was a song my mum frequently played when I was a kid, one that speaks of relentless self-sacrifice to fully love another. It became the melody of my mother’s life as she sacrificed her life to provide what she deemed best for me and my brother. However, she also expected me to make continual sacrifices in meeting her needs and expectations in return.
Every time I failed to do so, I was subjected to verbal abuse and was made to feel like a terrible and inadequate daughter. I’d be disappointed at myself and hated myself for not being a good daughter. I even confessed this to God.
It was revealed that the enemy’s tactic is to cause doubt and make me feel bad before God, so that I focus on “working to improve myself” which prevents me from just approaching Him to rest in His embrace.
The song seemed to have subconsciously affected our family.
So, I cut spiritual ties with the song, the singer and renounced the lyrics. I forgave myself and repented of hating myself for being an imperfect daughter and declared the truth that I am loved by God for who I am. I was comforted by the reality of God’s all-surpassing love and His desire for me to receive His love with an open heart by faith and not by works.
The reason why I lacked confidence and acted like a girl was because I didn’t know how to love myself and receive love from God.
It is startling to discover that my inability to enjoy sex are related to the lies I believed in from past experiences in my mother’s womb and parent wounds.
For example, because I bought into the lie “It is selfish for me to be happy”, doing something that is meant to be pleasurable, like sex, would cause me to subconsciously feel guilty and think it’s “not good” and pleasing to Father God.
During sex, I would also be distracted by blasphemous thoughts against God which I knew came from the enemy. To put it simply, I thought anything to do with pleasure equals to sin, and to love another is to selflessly sacrifice myself at the expense of my pleasure.
I was reminded that God designed sex to be sacred, holy, and pleasing to Him.
At the prayer session, I was led into a time of prayer where I:
- crucified patterns of singleness and celibacy and accepted sex as a gift from God to be enjoyed with my husband.
- released myself from the bondage of the lie that sex is not holy and declared that sex is a holy act before God because it represents the immense love and sacrifice of Christ for the church. (Ephesians 5:25)
- accepted my identity as a woman and my sexual organs as a gift for my husband.
- renounced the lie that sex is dirty and there are better ‘holier’ things to do.
- repented for being selfish and making my husband feel bad for failing to please me sexually.
- cut generational curses and brokenness of sex in my mother’s family line. (The Holy Spirit revealed that my mum also failed to enjoy sex with my father and because of the brokenness in their marriage they haven’t had any sexual relations for over a decade)
- prayed to enjoy the blessings of sex.
At the end of the prayer, God left me with a vision of myself dancing with Him in a bridal dress and having fun.
I was filled with joy knowing that He rejoices over me as His bride and the bride of my husband.
On the same night of my renewal prayer, I asked my husband for forgiveness for my reluctance to have sex and the way I made him feel rejected and insecure. We prayed for God’s blessing over our sex.
That night, I experienced much joy and intimacy with my husband and reached my first sexual climax.
Since my renewal prayer, I have experienced greater freedom and breakthroughs, not only in my sex life and relationship with my parents, but also at the workplace where I am growing in confidence in my God-given talents, having been freed from the feeling of not being good enough.
I am now able to give and serve joyfully – not from a place of inadequacy but with greater assurance in my identity as a child of God, and most of all to have fun (still learning!) and enjoy the good things God has prepared for me each day.
To receive notifications of new posts from Teaching Humble Hearts, please subscribe here .