Jesus frees tech manager from guilt
R works in technology. No matter what happened to him, it seemed that joy and peace were not meant to be his. Here is his testimony of him finding freedom through Jesus to be released from his prison of guilt and condemnation. Praise God!
For years, I felt like I didn’t deserve anything good.
I grew up in a loving family, even though I didn’t feel it at the time. My parents ran a restaurant business where they had to work from 5am till late at night, so I hardly spent any time with them. Our nanny and chauffeur watched over us and I was raised by my elder sister. With no real connection to home, all the children left to work overseas the first opportunity we had.
After I became a Christian, my heart softened and I knew I wanted to tell my parents how much I appreciated their hard work and sacrifice. A few years ago, my father’s health deteriorated and I flew back more often to spend time with him. In my heart, I really wanted to tell him that I cared for him and that even though he wasn’t a perfect man, that was okay with me.
But every time I flew back home for a visit, I would somehow end up arguing with my dad.
I tried to advise him to sell all his possessions so it would make things easier for my mum and our family if anything ever happened to him. The last time I saw him, I said in exasperation, “Dad, you can’t take all this with you when you die!”
Four weeks later, I got a phone call that changed my life.
Our family home had been burgled. As a result of defending our home, my dad was badly injured. I flew back as soon as I got the news but he passed away in the hospital before I could reach him. Those were the most anguishing moments of my life.
At my dad’s funeral, each family member was invited to say something about my dad but all I could say was, “Dad, could you please forgive me?” over and over again. I was extremely upset with myself.
For years afterwards, I constantly condemned myself.
There wasn’t a moment that I didn’t long to tell my dad that I loved him. Why didn’t I just tell him when I had a chance? I thought that I was a bad son and deserved punishment. So every time something bad happened to me afterwards, I would tell myself that I deserved it. I condemned myself.
I was also angry with God for not giving me the last chance to see my dad.
When I went for a renewal prayer, I was encouraged to voice out everything I’ve ever wanted to tell my dad to God and then ask my Heavenly Father to forgive me. At that time, I could “see” my dad sitting with God for that important conversation. Afterwards, I felt as if something lifted off me and then an unspeakable peace came over me. It was something I never experienced before. All these years, I had been carrying this heavyweight and now it was gone. I just sat there stunned.
After that, I also forgave myself.
I also realised I needed to forgive many people in my life, including the men who fatally wounded my dad and some bullies from childhood. At that point, I learnt to no longer victimise myself but to release forgiveness.
All this time, God had been wanting to lift me up to a higher level but I never allowed myself to step up into His blessings. I allowed Satan to keep accusing me and push me down into a grave. I realised that God wanted me to renew the way I think of myself.
That day, I began to apply Romans 12:2 to my life.
Romans 12:2 ESV Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Satan still tries to tempt me to condemn myself. He reminds me of childhood events that made me feel unlovable, but I choose not to give in to those thoughts. I am actively renewing my mind about who I am in Jesus Christ.
Once I consider all the blessings God has given me, I know He loves me. I no longer want to condemn myself.
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