Jesus frees lawyer from a judgmental spirit

V genuinely desired God and wanted to serve Him, but struggled with extending grace and love to others. Here is her testimony of understanding the root of her emotional strongholds and receiving a new heart from Jesus. Praise God!

(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 耶稣把一位律师从批判之灵释放出来 | 繁體中文 > 耶穌把一位律師從批判之靈釋放出來)

I struggled to see that I am created and wired exactly the way God intended.

I have two siblings who are both a decade older than me. As a result of our age gap, people often commented that my birth must have been “an accident.” My siblings also frequently complained that they had to babysit or help me and that they found me “bothersome”. Over time, I began to believe that perhaps I was not wanted, even though I received much affection from my family.

My petite height also had a big impact on how I saw myself. Growing up, I constantly felt vulnerable to being bullied. I would joyfully start my day and then experience uninvited glances, gestures or comments. It happened so often, almost every other day, that I became fairly prickly and aggressive. I yearned for protection and fairness, but felt left on my own.

Over time, I built a wall of protection around myself.

I criticised others first to pre-empt any judgment, chose rough speech to build a façade of “strength” and avoided asking anyone for help. I stepped into situations when I thought someone was being unfairly treated, as if I was the best judge. I was trying so hard to be that “someone” I wished had been there for me, and not the person God created me to be.

I had mistakenly thought that God must have forgotten about my presence, just like how my grandparents never turned their attention towards me because they had so many grandchildren. 

Intellectually, I knew God does not make mistakes but I still felt like one.

I occasionally wondered “If God loves me so much, then why did He make me stand out and attract bullying?” I could not grasp how God loved me unconditionally.

I genuinely desired to draw closer to Him but didn’t realise it was such lies that held me back from greater intimacy with my Heavenly Father.

When I went for a renewal prayer, it was not easy to expose my vulnerabilities before my prayer counselors. I had always wrestled with thoughts such as, “Other people can’t help anyway. They have other priorities and won’t have the capacity to care. I have always handled my own problems.” I was afraid of disappointment, anxious about being hurt, and blind to my own pride. Ironically, I desired to be known by others but feared intimacy at the same time.

At the core of it all, I lacked an absolute trust in God.

I had never thought about the root of my tendencies before the prayer session. The Holy Spirit gently convicted me of a few things as I confessed my sins. He showed me that my self-defence had grown into a judgmental spirit. My desire for fairness had snowballed into a sense of entitlement. And my self-reliance had translated into me being my own god.

“Judgment, entitlement and self-idolatry” were three words that I would not have used to describe myself. And little did I know that these broken tendencies had caused a chasm between God and me.

That day, I invited God to take away my stony, stubborn heart.

In return, I asked Him to give me a tender and responsive heart. Praise God that I got to lay down years of emotional baggage at the feet of Jesus that day. God did indeed give me a fresh start!

In the days following renewal prayer, a deep-seated joy overflowed from my heart. An unfamiliar awareness of the Holy Spirit and my sinful tendencies became increasingly apparent. I began gradually grasping the gravity of sin and the depth of repentance. I found myself asking God to bring to my mind anything that offends Him because I long to remain as intimate to Him as I can.

It was like my eyes, my heart and my mind were sensing life afresh.

Renewal prayer is really just the start of a journey to pursuing a clean and pure heart for God. There is still a great need to remain alert.

Only months after my renewal prayer session, I unknowingly allowed my mind to dwell on an ungodly thought. Soon, I became overwhelmed with doubt, unbelief, sorrow, bitterness, and fear. My joy had visibly disappeared and my mind was circling in confusion. I was reluctant to ask for help and was left blind to my own oppression.

I finally reached a tipping point and reached out for prayer and confession. A prayer counselor gently reminded me of the need to continue to repent and cast out any ungodly spirits. Having gone through a renewal prayer session, I was equipped to conduct my own cleansing with the authority God has given to us through Jesus Christ. God has since faithfully restored my joy, and I am determined to let nothing ungodly to block me from Him.

I realise that God is always refining our faith and strengthening our resilience

God’s Word says that He watches over me without any rest. His unfailing love surrounds me and He keeps me from all harm. God alone is my Defender, Strength, Comforter and Constant.

I cannot see what lies ahead, but God is in absolute control. His plans are immaculate. His purpose always prevails and His timing is perfect. Life with God is an adventure, and it can only be good!

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