Jesus frees entrepreneur from self-condemnation
C served actively in church but silently struggled with self-condemnation and doubt. From a young age, he was tormented by lies from Satan that accused him of not being good enough until the truth about his value to God set him free. Praise God!
For my entire life, I was always filled with lots of self-condemnation and self-hatred due to my lack of self-discipline.
I lived with a long list of negative self-beliefs and inner vows, feeling I was not good enough and didn’t manage to achieve what I was meant to achieve.
- “I can’t control myself.”
- “I am unable to focus / discipline / motivate myself to do the things I actually want to do.”
- “I’m not good enough.”
- “I will never succeed in what I do.”
- “I will never make much of my life.”
- “I will never be happy / will always be unhappy (when I was depressed).”
- “I cannot decide until I’ve explored all options.”
- “I don’t want to offend anyone.”
- “I must prove myself.”
- “I can’t fall behind my peers.”
- “I don’t have the ability to follow what God wants from me.”
- “There’s no hope in me.”
This consequently developed into constant grudges and hatred against myself. I also felt I wasted a lot of opportunities and abilities God has given me and that I am a disappointment to myself and the people around me. I was not proud of myself and thought I was not worthy to be loved.
I would often trash talk myself inside my heart as a way to punish myself or beat myself up into working.
With all the shame, guilt, and regrets, I really struggled to see how God could see me as worthy. This was the state I was in going into renewal prayer.
When I was being asked by my prayer counsellor, “Who is more worthy? Jesus or you?” It seemed to be a no-brainer. Jesus is the much more worthy one. It’s not even a close comparison! However, my prayer counsellor responded, “Yet God sent His precious Son, Jesus Christ, to die for you, so how does God see your worth?”
This was a mind-blowing moment for me.
I realised God must see me as so precious and worthy that He would use Jesus’s life to exchange for mine. This totally tore down my past self-view. God must see me as of equal value of Jesus to make this sacrifice.
Furthermore, I also realised I actually have no right to say what my self-worth is.
As a creation of God’s, my worth is not defined by me but by my Creator.
Only God has the right to say what my worth is. So, I should just stop overstepping my boundaries and claiming rights that solely belong to God alone.
Moreover, God definitely sees me so differently than the way I see myself. He has made me in His image (Gen 1:27), knitted me in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13), and purchased me with the blood of Jesus (1 Peter 1:18-19).
After this prayer session, I was liberated from all the self-hatred and condemnation once and for all.
Who am I to condemn myself when God remembers my sin no more! (Isaiah 43:25)
During my renewal prayer, I was also asked to re-visit my past significant events. I struggled to find any single moment that impacted me deeply at first. But later, with the help of the prayer counsellors, I realised that I needed to renew the way I view my own room, rather than any traumatic event.
Whenever any sad or unfortunate event happened to me, my room is the default place where I would go to hide and escape from reality. It’s also the place that is full of self-condemnation and lies.
I would see my room as a depressing place with a grey and bluish tone.
During the prayer, I was asked to invite God to open my spiritual eyes to see what was in my room. Immediately, I could sense the presence of a demon that was constantly speaking lies to my ears at the corner of my bed. After rebuking it in Jesus’ name and commanding it to leave, I asked Jesus where He was in all those many nights of tears and sadness. I could see Jesus was actually hugging me in my bed when I was feeling so desperate and alone.
Towards the end of the prayer session, God also gave me a vision of me hanging out with Jesus near a pool outside a house. This image is very foreign to me as this is not how I would envision my interaction with God normally. My general impression of God is that He is often upset about me for not achieving the things He planned for me and He just wants to work harder for Him. So the image that God would be pleased for me to just chill with Him and enjoy His presence was not something I am familiar with.
But it gives me a lot of comfort to know God ultimately desires to bond with me before anything else.
In the future, my room may still be the place I go to whenever I encounter hard times in life, but I know it’s no longer a place of loneliness and hopelessness. I know Jesus is with me in all these moments. The grey and blue tone of my room is now replaced with a warm and mellow mood. I know this is a place I encounter Jesus and receive comfort, and rest with Him just as I did by the pool in the vision.
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