Jesus cries with young lady
S had been a Christian for 10 years but something was blocking her experience of God’s love. Here is her testimony of how God showed her how much He loves her and softening her hardened heart. Praise God!
God is love. A profound and perfect description of who He is.
To many people, it is so natural to love and be loved by others and God. However, such a truth is not easy for those whose hearts have been hurt and hardened to comprehend and experience. I was one of those people.
I grew up in a humble traditional Chinese family.
My dad was only home a day per week due to his job and my mom had to run some small business outside to support us. As I was the older child, I was often told to take care of the house chores and my brother. I felt like a heavy burden. Despite my contributions, I got many complaints and no affirmation. I did not perform well in primary school and was shamed by the teachers and my parents.
Looking back, my childhood is full of unpleasant memories.
Without much compassion and affirmation from the adults around me, I tried to seek it from my peers. It started well when I got into the secondary school, but it also turned ugly when my best friend betrayed me. At the end, I vowed to myself that I would not open my heart to anyone and love or be loved by anyone. I closed the door of my heart and numbed most of my feelings. I became very practical and saw all relationships as a mutual exchange of benefits.
Fast forward, I became a Christian. During my ten years with God, I learnt a lot about Him. I knew all about His grace, love, and mercy in my head, but I rarely tasted or felt it personally. I worked diligently at being a good Christian; attending many bible study classes, short-term mission trips and serving the church as much as possible. With all these, I built a lot of knowledge of God and had a “good relationship” with God. I also experienced some healing of my relationship with my parents and my broken heart. However, there was a constant yearning in my heart to really feel and experience Him personally rather than just knowing about Him.
The sense of disconnection between my mind and my heart grew.
There was something blocking me from God at a deeper level. My heart became colder towards God and my focus on worldly things, more than on heaven above, grew.
I joined a twelve-week course called “Love The Lord” and learned how our childhoods have a strong impact on our relationship with God and how Satan can manipulate our minds to distance us from God.
I learnt that my relationship with God mirrors all my other relationships, including my parents.
I did what my parents expected of me without receiving or giving love. It was a duty-driven relationship.
At the end of the class, we were offered the chance to do a renewal prayer with some prayer counselors. I felt a strong urge inside me to cancel the disconnection between my heart and God. Therefore, I signed up for it. When the prayer session grew closer, I worried that there would not be many breakthroughs. Without me knowing, Satan began to whisper skeptical thoughts about God’s work in my head again.
The fortnight before the prayer, I randomly suffered a mild headache when I decided to fast. The next day, the headache became more severe, but I persisted and opened my bible. I randomly read Psalm 81. I was very moved by it and felt very convicted that God was speaking to me through that passage.
If there were an audible voice, it sounded like God was saying “Yes I am speaking with you!”
The headache lingered throughout the whole day before my prayer session. My prayer counselors checked in with me through WhatsApp and I told them about my severe headache. They encouraged me that God was protecting us and preparing something very good ahead for us. I learnt later on that it was a spiritual attack as both of them were also suffering headaches at the time.
I regained my strength the next day and headed to the prayer session. We started the prayer session with worship. As we went into the details of what my childhood was like, I suddenly realised that my childhood was not happy at all. The prayer counselors suggested that I pray to God and tell Him how I felt about it. It was quite awkward for me as I seldom acknowledged my feelings or told anyone how I felt.
Finally, when I told God how I tired I felt, a warm flow of tears flowed from one of my eyes through the work of the Holy Spirit.
That warm flow of tears felt so different. In my heart, I knew that it was not from me, but from the Holy Spirit. It felt like Jesus was crying with me. Later, I got that same warm flow of tears when I told God how much shame I felt about myself from my parents.
Then a prayer counselor said that God showed her a rainbow for me – a new covenant God had made for me and Him that I am going to be shining and sweet daughter of God. I was not as excited as the prayer counselors when they heard these words from God. I felt I had nothing to do with being “shining and sweet”. These words didn’t settle in my heart but only my head in the prayer room. After three hours of praying and confessions, we concluded my renewal prayer session.
God did not stop pursuing me.
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26
Knowing my hardened heart, God immediately sent me another strong message an hour later after the prayer session. I received a voice message from a sister-in-Christ, which was quite rare for her. She prayed that God’s words of affirmation and healing will take root in my heart, like seeds that fall on the good soil and that birds would not take these words away. These words will turn into many fruits. I was shining like a tree in the garden of Eden and all the leaves are like shining like gold. And that I should receive all revelations from God today in my heart.
I was deeply moved when I heard this prayer from her. I asked her immediately if she knew I had a renewal prayer session just now. She said no but during her prayer walk, she felt the urge from Holy Spirit to pray over me without delay. She obeyed and sent me the prayer over the phone.
At that moment, for the very first time, I experience how real my God is and how faithful He is.
He knows me so well that He assured me that those words during the prayer session were from Him. At that moment, I related deeply with Job who said, “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.” Job: 42:5
My prayer was answered and I have experienced God on a much deeper level. The heart of stone has been replaced with a heart of flesh. I enjoy a new level of intimacy with God ever since.
I can now relate to God in my heart and begin to share my feelings with Him every day.
All the insecurity has been swept away and I know God has my back and I shall not be afraid. It is so good to be set free.
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