Jesus begins software engineer’s emotional healing
V grew up being bullied and oppressed, and retreated into an imaginary world where he was the champion, avenger, and lord over others. In addition, his family practised Taoist witchcraft. All these trapped him in a spiritual domain that was both dark and idolatrous. Jesus, in His grace, showed V the inner longings of his heart and started him on a journey of emotional healing. Praise God!
I came across three questions in a survey on whether I had been wounded or hurt in the past.
As I answered the questions, I cried quite heavily. I had been wounded quite a bit – even literally up to this moment as I am about to write this testimony! I suddenly received a message in a group chat from someone I hadn’t talked to for almost seven months. He joked about whether I had changed or was still a loser. The group said they should tell their kids to take a class from me on how not to make mistakes as a human being. They advised me to become a more solid person.
This sort of abuse is not new. I encountered almost daily verbal and physical abuse by my teachers and classmates during my childhood. I remember I gave a testimony in church around the age of 17 or 18 that school was like living in hell. The church members laughed when I described it this way, but it is true, that’s how I felt. It was like hell going to school.
At home, I encountered events that upset me.
My elder brother and sister moved from home early, leaving me alone with my parents. My parents didn’t have a very good relationship. My dad neglected my mom and family, and I grew up listening to my mom badmouthing my dad. My mom’s hatred spread to my brother and my sister. When I moved to live with my sister in the US, she repeatedly told me not to be like my dad because he was always worried, fearful and kept making wrong decisions.
In the US, I lived a very “comfortable life” on the west coast with my ex-wife, attending a Baptist Church. I moved to Asia with her for career opportunities, without asking God. I encountered a sudden stroke-like illness. Not long after, my ex-wife and I divorced. After we separated, I accidentally landed a job with lots of scams and corruption. I experienced a lot of “successful moments” in this career and a lot of betrayals at the same time.
After quitting the industry totally, I am currently unemployed in the midst of Covid 19.
There are a lot of mixed feelings during this time; the feeling of peace knowing that God will provide; the feeling of fear doubting whether God will provide; the feeling of disappointment that my church fellowship members are not asking more about my situation. There is a sense of helplessness and anxiety.
A friend suggested I go for a second renewal prayer to address my deep childhood hurts and emotions.
In my first prayer session, I forgave my dad completely. I no longer yell at him or throw my temper at him. I pray for him a lot, that he will be saved by grace and draw closer to Jesus. There are a lot of similarities between my dad and me, although not favorable ones. We disappointed the women we married. My dad and I both failed in business. In both cases, we were cheated. I later found out that by judging my dad, I had reaped what I had sowed and I become what I had judged.
Galatians 6:7 NIV Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.
As I began fasting, two significant events happened.
I fasted for only very short periods of time. The first time, I wanted to give up and while I was heading out to eat, my prayer counsellor sent me a message saying that she felt led to share a post with me from the Teaching Humble Hearts website about God and the physics of light. I noticed that I was still literally living in darkness with a lot of pain. Later during my renewal prayer, another prayer counselors also saw a vision of a light in darkness, showing that God’s light had begun to shine more strongly in my heart.
During my second fast, I saw another message from my prayer counsellor right before I was about to give up. She said that the night before, God told her in a dream to read the book of Habakkuk. God then told her to ask me to read it and that it is a promise for me as long as I trust and obey Him. I read it many, many times and still couldn’t figure out what it really meant – until later. (See below)
In the lead up to the renewal prayer, I had increasing headaches and pains in my face.
Also, I sometimes said curse words when trying to pray. The prayer counsellor explained that these are evidence that it is not the Holy Spirit who is controlling me. She told me to read a post called Understanding demonic oppression. After reading it, I confessed I could identify with some of the symptoms of demonic oppression. I struggled with sexual sin, jealousy, and pride.
When we began with a worship song during the renewal prayer, a prayer counsellor saw a vision of a half-female – half-snake drawing. I told my prayer counsellors that I like to draw – sometimes drawing a human head with snake body while at church. I have drawn a lot of evil things. I told them that I had read a lot of DragonBall and the comics influenced me. I began the prayer session by repenting for such things.
The Holy Spirit also revealed the word “parallel universe” to another prayer counsellor.
I grew up playing alone with my toy soldiers for hours. Most days, I was alone with no adults or siblings around. So, I always imagined things a lot, “day dreaming” and “night dreaming.”
Sometimes, I imagined a lot of revengeful things, like beating up the “bad guys.” Sometimes, I imagined becoming successful where everyone applauded me. It was an imaginary world where I commanded everything – without God. Also, I played video games where I basically command every step. When I was with real people, a lot of them took advantage of me; they bullied me and harassed me. Living in my imagination was like a way out for me. (Like Habakkuk, I have lived through and witnessed a lot of evil around me, and often cried out to God out of despair.)
My prayer counsellor noticed that I have a good imagination, as I draw and daydream a lot. They explained that we can use our active imagination to focus on the negative, rather than think about what is good, and disobey God’s Word.
Philippians 4:8-9 ESV Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
We are in control of our imagination – but my imagination led me to revenge and fear.
I am also afraid of flying and never enjoyed roller coasters or theme park games. I am fearful of quite a few things. The wrong use of imagination is also the root of the sexual immorality in my thoughts and my dreams. I learnt I needed to repent of using my imagination to glorify myself and also for indulging in imaginary warfare. Our God is a God of love – not of war. I confessed to God that I had indulged my flesh by using my imagination to be involved in violence, murder, sexual immorality, and drawing ungodly images.
My counsellors encouraged me and reminded me that the gifts and talents that God has given me are for use in the physical world – not the virtual world. The moment I start applying my imagination in the real world, with the Holy Spirit in control, I will begin to prosper as a person, I will find the fulfillment I have been looking for.
One of my greatest fears is the fear of abandonment.
I had been feeling guilty because I felt I had abandoned my ex-wife, even though she was the one who made the call to leave me. My prayer counsellor led me to completely let go of my guilt and my emotional ties to my ex-wife, and to look forward to the future that God prepared for me. This prayer led me to seek healing between my ex-wife and me a few days after the prayer session.
Also, God convicted me that the way I served at church after I was sick was false serving.
It was totally out of a fear of death, something I didn’t even dare to admit to myself. I was thinking that God would spare my life if I serve Him at church. We should joyfully serve God and others out of love, not fear. That day, I repented of this wrong attitude.
Deep inside my heart, I always questioned whether God would abandon me. Ever since my sudden stroke-like sickness and divorce, I always prayed for His mercies, that He would not forsake me. I had a false image of God. Also, I had been blinded by spirits of self-judgment, self-pity, and sorrow. That day, I repented of my false view of God and learnt to command these spirits to leave me in Jesus’ name.
My grandfather passed away at my home when I was nine years old.
I still remember that we placed him on the front door of our home when he was dying at his bed, waiting for some sort of spirit to take him away. I remember all of us sitting on the couch watching him struggling with his last breath as he passed away. No one was holding hands beside him, no one was beside him. We just watched him die from afar, and he was all alone.
The family later held a Taoist funeral ceremony for my grandfather, in which we wore ribbons, funeral clothing, listened to monks chanting, and prayed with burnt offerings. I also ate at the temple. During the renewal prayer, I repented for taking part in these pagan rituals and praying to other spirits. (Afterwards, I told my mom about this revelation and she told me she still kept the mat where we had bowed down during the funeral. I repented for bowing down while writing this testimony and felt relieved of some weird sensation and obstacle.)
At the end of the prayer session, the prayer counsellor felt led to sing a song as led by the Holy Spirit. God composed and sang a song to me, “I love you. I long for you. You have trapped yourself. Let go of your fear.”
At the end of the prayer session, I was very excited and relieved because I reclaimed my identity in Christ as a child of God.
The first week afterward was like a honeymoon with God and I almost forgot that I was unemployed. I just didn’t feel like doing anything except to pray and read the Word of God. I even felt no intention to watch movies.
I also got together with my ex-wife and confessed my sins towards her. My ex-wife and I never had a good closure to our broken marriage, spiritually, and I felt convicted that I needed to do something about that. My wife also confessed to me and then we both blessed each other. She wept heavily during the meeting and I felt that it is very terrible for me to hurt any of God’s creations. God must have wept too when I hurt her in the past.
The second week after, the fear of unemployment started to hit me again. When I prayed, God again comforted me by bringing me the smell of flowers at my home.
I don’t have any flowers and the window was closed. Later, I was told it is a fragrance of God.
2 Corinthians 2:14-15 NIV But thanks be to God, who always leads us as captives in Christ’s triumphal procession and uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of him everywhere. For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing.
I still struggle with pride, self-righteousness, and being judgmental. The process of uprooting my sin is not instantaneous and I still sin and have ungodly selfish thoughts. Even so, God re-affirmed that He still loves me during my MTR ride yesterday. He will never leave me or forsake me. I was overwhelmed. God is love and His grace is upon me when I am still a sinner who sins.
The way I read the Bible now is also quite different, after I have affirmed about what love is.
Now, instead of correcting or judging someone, I have learnt to listen to them, build each other up, and encourage them. I also learnt to start seeing the goodness in others and pray for and bless them, even those who hurt me. Before, I would only imagine I am better than others and judge them.
I am like a kid crawling with a bag of heavy stones in the dark trying to find a way out. These stones symbolize my sins and burdens. Jesus is always beside me, taking away my stones, one by one – not because I am special but because He loves me. He is still doing it every day for me and you. There is no need to earn His love because He loves me the same yesterday and today. His love for me is beyond imagination.
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