Jesus redeems marketing officer from thoughts of death
M was blessed with the spiritual gift of compassion but found it hard to handle her emotions when growing up in a chaotic home where words of death were often spoken over her. As she humbled herself before God in a time of prayer ministry, M has begun to slowly learn how to embrace her gift and seek God for His comfort and guidance. Praise God!
I was born in a Christian environment. Dad and mom both attend church. One of them is Christian and one of them is Catholic.
I got asthma when I was a child and mom was super concerned and worried about my condition. I was prescribed medicine and used an inhaler for asthma since a very young age. Mom was the one who took me to doctor appointments all the time. I would get fever or fall sick and had to visit the doctor quite often.
I remember one time, it was a bit serious and I had to be transferred to the hospital for observation. These experiences were not very pleasant and it seemed that mom was always worried and agitated.
At that young age, I did not quite understand what was going on. It seemed my mom was concerned about my health condition and she was really worried.
I was not allowed to have snacks and was asked to keep warm all the time. To recall one of my significant memories, the first time I ever tried watermelon was at the age of six. Mom was worried that having a watermelon would cause a throat issue and trigger the symptoms of asthma.
Around the age of three, mom began suffering from depression. To my understanding, she was concerned about the health issues in our family and she was not able to handle it. One day, she wanted to put things to an end and “played” a game with me that nearly choked me to death before she attempted suicide. Thankfully, someone saved us in time, although I needed rehabilitation in hospital for several months.
It was a traumatic experience and I still remember some of the moments till this day.
Family members never really talked about the incident. To me, it seems like it was never resolved, even though it happened a long time ago. Every time I wanted to bring up the incident, the response I received was that my mom was ill, she could not control herself, and I need to be considerate and understanding.
The relationship between my mom and me has therefore never been smooth. I was not very grateful for the things my mom had done for me for a very long period.
To some extent, I thought my role was to obey and follow whatever I was told. There was not much joy because I always felt very trapped and not heard.
To this day, the feeling that I was never enough for my mom has especially frustrated me, even though I know I want her approval. The anger in me stacked up for quite a while.
I cried a lot since I was young, and I considered myself as quite emotional. I got teased by my schoolmates a lot because I cried so much.
At some point, I vowed that I would rather harden my heart so I won’t get hurt.
I tired many times to harden my heart to protect myself from being affected by my mom’s comments and reflections, and yet it didn’t work. Even though I knew I needed to forgive my mom, the anger in me was not resolved and it was still easy for me to get triggered from time to time.
I tried to run away and keep myself occupied to distract myself but still, I never felt satisfied. I really wanted to numb myself but yet, it was still very painful. This caused me to search for freedom or to find ways to feel fulfilled so as to feel less trapped.
I believe I did not really know how to deal with my emotions. I just tried to cope and suppress them.
In recent years, I acknowledged something was not right with me. I was lost and felt very stuck in life in general. I wanted a restart and returned to the church community.
Since I sort of grew up in a Christian environment, I thought I knew what Christianity is about. I had an impression that God is a God who will restrict a lot of things and that He is “way up there”. I felt a constant heartache I could not explain. I would just go to church and cry during worship and even during the sermons.
I used to self-curse a lot. I did not realise the impact and how I had become so used to it.
I was too used to people’s comments about me. I did not know that I was looking for approval from authorities and naturally believed their comments because I did not know my own identity well.
I constantly struggled with my identity and felt unsure about God’s plans for me. I doubted God and did not really think that He is merciful. I constantly questioned why I needed to go through all those past incidents in my life. Why could I not have a more normal family?
There were times that I wished I was dead, so I did not have to go through all this.
I had a lot of self-pity and was always in doubt about my future. I did not feel much hope and I found it hard to rely on God. I was not sure how I could surrender and let God take the lead. I found it hard to hear His voice and felt depressed a lot.
I never really understood why the family is so unhappy and it seemed nothing could be resolved.
I believe I was disappointed and angry with God, but I knew only God can help so I needed to return to God.
Through taking the Love The Lord course, I learnt that even though I had been a church-goer for a while, it did not mean I really understood who God is and how to relate to Him. I began to learn more about having an actual relationship with God, rather than just having head knowledge.
During the renewal prayer after the course, I confessed a lot of things I did in the past and confessed the generational sins in my family.
There have been a lot of early deaths in my family following my great-grandparent’s generation, almost like there was a curse that fell on the family.
Not only have there been physical deaths but also death to joy, hope, and peace. There has been a lot of depression and emotional suppression.
At an early age, I knew mom suffered from depression and anxiety. She was always upset about things and had thoughts of death. I got triggered by her emotions a lot and I was very angry about my mom. There were a lot of self-condemning and hatred thoughts towards myself and my mom.
During the renewal prayer, I renounced self-cursing and self-hatred and the having the thoughts of death. I confessed and repented of cursing people, talking to dead people, and praying to false idols.
I now understand that our words have power. We should not feed negative thoughts. It is important to turn to thoughts that are from the Bible.
I asked God to forgive me for talking to the dead because Jesus gave me the spirit of life. I cut ungodly soul ties with everyone I had spoken to who’s dead and commanded all spirits of the dead to leave my heart, mind, and soul. Afterward, I felt a bit lighter.
Because of my gift of compassion, I had picked up on mom’s feelings and fears when I was still in the womb. I already felt all her chaotic feelings then and had taken on her emotions on myself too. I judged her but wanted her comfort at the same time. One of the prayer counsellors encouraged me by saying, “The kind of comfort that you want from your mom, the Holy Spirit will offer to you.”
The more I think about it, the more I realise that my mom was having a lot of doubts in her life at the time.
She faced a lot of uncertainty when she was pregnant and she was upset about the situation. She carried a fear of not being a good mother. She felt out of control and did not have the confidence to handle the care of a child. Her past experiences had also affected her perspective.
I had made inner vows about the emotions that I don’t want to feel or react to, because I found it can be tiring. I became very upset whenever I got emotional because I could not “function properly” and act maturely. Therefore, I judged my mom for failing whenever she became too emotional and could not handle stress well.
I learnt that it is important to turn my eyes to Jesus for hope and guidance instead because Jesus is the One who died on the cross for me. I confessed to God that I had been trying to control myself and rely on myself.
I tried to control everything, including my emotions and feelings. I used my brain and my judgment, and put myself over and above God.
That day, I repented for unbelief towards God. I told God I wanted to give up this pattern and submit to Him.
I thanked God for giving me qualities such as quietness and a gentle heart and for being able to have compassion toward others. I repented for rejecting myself and not recognising His gifts, neglecting what is important to God. I forgave the people who told me that I was not worthy or good enough, and who rejected me, belittled me, scolded me, and disrespected me.
My worth is not equal to other people’s comments and judgments about me. I was reminded that I no longer have to chase other people’s expectations because my worth is determined by God.
My prayer counsellors asked me what are some good gifts my mum has given me and I replied that I have developed compassion, patience, and a high tolerance of extreme situations.
They showed me that God can bless us through broken people and sharpen our gifts.
From the prayer session, I learnt to recognise that it is necessary to die to my expectation of a perfect family but not die to my emotions and my gift of compassion. These are two different things. This is something I am still learning. I am learning to recognise my identity in God and to be still and rely on God.
After the prayer session, I felt lighter and there is less “noise” in my head. I do not self-curse and condemn myself with hateful words like before. I now recognise there is power in our words and in Jesus’ name to ask for protection.
I thank God that He cares for me and never abandoned me, even when I was rebellious. I found God to be very patient and gentle.
I like to be in His presence even when I really cannot understand what is going on sometimes. I want to continue to submit my fears and unbelief to God.
Sometimes, I am not sure if God is talking to me and I am too afraid to ask. I am still learning to rely on God and not to use my own strength. I am thankful for God’s love and I hope I will grow continually to become more like Jesus.
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