The subconscious ways we deceive ourselves
Self-deception is a self-consoling and self-elevating mechanism that helps us feel better when we find the truth uncomfortable, distressing, or painful in comparison. Self-deceit may play out like a mind game but it is actually emotionally driven. The Bible describes this as a “mind set on the flesh.” To think that we may be living under lies or deception can be troubling. But no one is immune to self-deceit, and we should allow the Holy Spirit to test our hearts and God-fearing brothers or sisters-in-Christ to speak truth into our lives.
(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 潜意识的自欺 | 繁體中文 > 潛意識的自欺)
Romans 8:6-9 ESV For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him.
Self-deception is often a response to truths that we find distressing or painful. To avoid emotions we find overwhelming, we then turn to unhealthy ways of consoling or elevating ourselves to make ourselves feel better.
One example is when we have been hurt by other people. Our initial instinct may be to become angry, defensive, and self-righteous, rendering it impossible to think clearly or objectively. Rather than go to the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Truth, for His counsel and guidance on our thoughts and our emotions, we prefer to paint reality in a way that best suits the picture that we want to see or the story we want to hear. We fall into condemning the other party and justifying ourselves because it makes us feel better, even though we do the very same things to other people too.
John 16:13 ESV When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.
As we do this repeatedly over time, it forms a hardened habit of self-deceit and a heart that Jesus called “an abomination in the sight of God.”
Jeremiah 17:9 ESV The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
Luke 16:15 ESV And he said to them, “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God.
Spotting self-deceit
The challenge of spotting self-deceit is that it comes out of a desire to protect ourselves. It can be so ingrained in our subconscious instincts that we don’t even notice when we are doing it.
One way to spot self-deceit might be to pay attention to what we do when we feel shame, sadness, fear or anger. Do we have a tendency to ignore or shut down our emotion? Do we try to convince ourselves that we “are better than others,” “are doing fine,” “have nothing to worry about,” “can handle it on my own,” “don’t need any help” and “don’t need to involve other people or seek help.”
Our emotions are actually signals that God uses to alert us to unresolved issues deep in our hearts. By covering them up, we will “harden our hearts” to the truth. We can end up “turning away from the living God.”
Hebrews 3:12-13 NLT Be careful then, dear brothers and sisters. Make sure that your own hearts are not evil and unbelieving, turning you away from the living God. You must warn each other every day, while it is still “today,” so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God.
The Bible gives us a number of helpful ways to test for self-deceit.
We can deceive ourselves into thinking that we are:
- Wise | 1 Corinthians 3:18-19 ESV Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is folly with God. For it is written, “He catches the wise in their craftiness,”
- Sinless | 1 John 1:8 ESV If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
- Superior to others (morally, intellectually, socially, financially etc.) | Galatians 6:3 NLT If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.
- Able to get away with not obeying God’s Word | James 1:22 ESV But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.
- Able to escape the consequences of our sins and not reap what we sow | Galatians 6:7 ESV Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.
- Can say whatever we want | James 1:26 NLT If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.
Any one of these thought patterns (i.e. assuming we are wise, righteous, sinless, important or above reproach) leads to pride, which God hates. God can help us if we are self-deceived but are willing to humble listen and obey His commands. He cannot help anyone whose heart is prideful, self-defending, and unwilling to yield.
Proverbs 16:5 ESV Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the Lord; be assured, he will not go unpunished.
Jesus calls all His disciples to remain faithful to His teachings, because it is His truth that will set us free from our self-deceit. God’s Word is described as a double-edged sword that pierces our hearts and exposes our innermost desires – so that we can eliminate our sinful attitudes. Unfortunately, most of us will instinctively avoid such “spiritual surgery” out of the ingrained tendency to self-protect.
John 8:31-32 ESV So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
Hebrews 4:12-13 ESV For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
However, we need to recognise that self-deceit is a scheme that comes directly out of Satan’s playbook. The “father of lies” will try to convince us to satisfy our own subconscious fears and desires by our own fleshly ways.
John 8:44 ESV You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.
We need to be careful that we don’t try to comfort ourselves or meet our own desires by our own strength. When we rely only on our own instincts or immediate emotional responses, we run the risk of giving the devil a foothold. To sin is to rely on ourselves, apart from God. Let us make time to submit to God’s discipline. He will correct us when we are wrong and teach us to do what is right, so we turn away from behaving as “children of the devil.”
2 Timothy 3:16 NLT All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right.
Facing up to the truth for the first time may feel awkward or even painful, but it is only when we can be honest with ourselves that we are able to experience God’s compassionate, merciful and lovingly correction, guidance, and healing. Over time, being truthful to ourselves becomes easier and easier, and more and more rewarding.
Psalm 103:8 NLT The LORD is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
We may believe we don’t hurt anyone by lying to ourselves but the truth is, we grieve the Holy Spirit with our self-deception.
Ephesians 4:30 NLT And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.
Some ways we develop the habit of self-deceit
There are many possible roots of self-deception. Here are just a handful of examples to illustrate.
As you go through this list, please take this time to invite the Holy Spirit to show you which of these relate to your own experiences and ask Him to search your heart and lead you to the truth for your own life.
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1. Harsh punishments in childhood: Some of us grew up in harsh environments where innocent mistakes were severely punished. We may have felt that the adults would not listen to the truth or were unlikely to be fair. As a result, we learnt to lie in order to avoid trouble. Gradually, this habit of lying corrupted our hearts and we continue to lie, even to ourselves. |
God’s truth: God is nothing like the unforgiving and harsh adults we grew up with. We can go to Him with all our weaknesses, mistakes, and imperfections. He will not reject us or leave us, He will help us. God always chooses the best path for us, even if we may not understand His choices in the beginning. It is only when we reach the end of the path that we will understand His purpose. We can put down our fears and go to Him with all our needs and anxieties. 1 John 4:18 NLT Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. |
| 2. Generational patterns: Our parents live in their own self-delusional worlds. As their children, we simply followed their patterns without realising that we are self-deceived too. | God’s truth: Once we turn to God, we need to turn away from the earthly ways of our parents, and follow Jesus, the Way and the Truth. We need to stand up for the truth, even if it feels uncomfortable and unfamiliar. It is the truth that will set us free. Self-deception leaves us trapped.
Luke 14:26-27 NLT “If you want to be my disciple, you must, by comparison, hate everyone else—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple. John 14:6 ESV Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. |
| 3. Social or cultural pressures: Self-deceit can also come from feeling pressured to live up to certain worldly standards. This can come from an environment where we are punished for being our authentic selves, or not being taught the right way to be authentic. Or, we may live in a shame-based culture that has taught us to “save face.” Hence, we cope by masking unpleasant truths about ourselves. Gradually, we feel so familiar with the lies we tell ourselves that we begin to believe them. | God’s truth: Living with a mask can be a hollow existence. Every weakness and deficiency is an opportunity to experience God deeply as we offer ourselves to Him for His redemption and allow Him to transform us from strength to strength.
As believers, we need to turn our focus away from what this world says we ought to be, and learn more about who God says we are to Him based on His Word. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 ESV But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. |
| 4. Jealousy: We all aspire to certain ideals and goals. When we don’t attain them, we can start to envy other people and tell ourselves a series of lies to soothe our inner frustrations. | God’s truth: No one has the ability to imagine what good things God has prepared for us. Instead, this world constantly tempts us to envy what others have. Jealousy turns other people into our idols, and blinds us to the blessings we have been given through Christ.
We need to break out of the lies we tell ourselves about who we are, in order to experience who we truly are destined to become as followers of Jesus Christ. Also, see Overcoming jealousy for good 1 Corinthians 2:9-10 ESV But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”— these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. 1 Corinthians 3:3 ESV For you are still of the flesh. For while there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not of the flesh and behaving only in a human way? |
| 5. Conflict avoidance: Many of us have never been taught how to deal with conflict graciously and therefore, prefer to lie about what we truly want or feel. | God’s truth: Conflicts are inevitable in life. They often present opportunities for deeper mutual understanding as we learn to communicate our desires and feelings in respectful, patient but firm ways. When we lie about our feelings and desires, no one gets to know who we truly are. Conflict avoidance drives emotional disconnection.
No one has the wisdom to deal with all types of conflict but praise God that as believers, we have the Holy Spirit to guide us on what to say when we go to Him for help. God is generous with His wisdom. We simply need to ask. Luke 12:11-12 NLT … don’t worry about how to defend yourself or what to say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what needs to be said.” James 1:5 NLT If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. |
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6. Self-defence: We can develop a tendency to react self-defensively if we have felt trapped under constant condemnations or injustices in the past. Such experiences can lead us to falsely believe we are morally superior. We even attack other people even if they have no intention to harm us. |
God’s truth: Self-defence and self-righteousness does not actually make any situation or person better, it only gives us a false sense of security. Before assuming it is always someone else’s fault, it is useful to ask ourselves if there’s something we need to learn from others or the situation, because there is usually something good that we can take away from unpleasant circumstances. If we have difficulty receiving correction from others, it may be a sign that there is a wall of pride and self-righteousness around our hearts. True righteousness is not based on what we do, but what Jesus has done. Rather than defend or elevate ourselves before people, we ought to humble ourselves before God and seek to become more like Jesus. John 15:10-14 ESV If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. |
| 7. Avoiding emotional triggers: We may have experienced trauma or humiliation where we have learnt to cope by holding on to a different version of reality in an effort to “erase” our bad memories and the painful feelings they bring. We find ourselves instinctively reacting to any person or conversation that comes too close for comfort. | God’s truth: Creating an alternative reality may disguise the emotional discomfort that we feel, but it is a thin disguise. Our bodies and subconscious memories hold on to all our past traumas, until we confess them to God and grieve over them. Self-deceit blocks us from receiving God’s comfort and healing. He who created the foundation of the earth and stretched out the heavens is also immensely loving and tender. He has the power to refresh our spirits when we ask Him for His comfort.
Isaiah 51:12-13 ESV “I, I am he who comforts you; who are you that you are afraid of man who dies, of the son of man who is made like grass, and have forgotten the Lord, your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, and you fear continually all the day because of the wrath of the oppressor… |
Ways we rebel against God through self-deception
When we form a habit of deceiving ourselves in response to whatever or whoever causes us to feel negative emotions, we can also instinctively do the same in response to the Holy Spirit’s convictions of our sin. When we have been hiding from the truth for so long, we may automatically hide from the Spirit of Truth as well. The Bible warns us that we will not prosper spiritually as a result.
John 16:8 ESV Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you. But if I go, I will send him to you.
Proverbs 28:13-14 NLT People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy. Blessed is the one who fears the LORD always, but whoever hardens his heart will fall into calamity.
Here are some common ways Christians fool ourselves, and what God’s Word has to say in return.
1. Holding on to sin
We say: “God loves me and will therefore be patient with me. I can’t obey His will right now, maybe later. Surely, He will understand, even if my sins grieve Him.” (I won’t let other people take advantage of me, but I will take advantage of God.)
God’s Word says:
Isaiah 59:2 NLT It’s your sins that have cut you off from God. Because of your sins, he has turned away and will not listen anymore.
2. Not changing our lifestyles
We say: “I don’t need to make a change to my influences, friends or lifestyle. I am doing fine. I can resist sin and take care of myself.”
God’s Word says:
1 Corinthians 15:33-34 NLT … “bad company corrupts good character.” Think carefully about what is right, and stop sinning. For to your shame I say that some of you don’t know God at all.
3. Judging others
We say: “They are behaving badly and sinning against God. Thank God I study God’s Word and know how to be a good person, unlike them.”
God’s Word says:
Luke 18:11-14 NLT The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: ‘I thank you, God, that I am not like other people—cheaters, sinners, adulterers. I’m certainly not like that tax collector! I fast twice a week, and I give you a tenth of my income.’ “But the tax collector stood at a distance and dared not even lift his eyes to heaven as he prayed. Instead, he beat his chest in sorrow, saying, ‘O God, be merciful to me, for I am a sinner.’ I tell you, this sinner, not the Pharisee, returned home justified before God. For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”
1 John 1:8 ESV If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
Romans 14:10-12 ESV Why do you pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you despise your brother? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God; for it is written, “As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.” So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.
4. Independence
We say: “I haven’t gotten an answer from God so I will go ahead and make my own plans, I don’t need to trouble God on this issue. I have good intentions and that is what matters.” (I secretly fear that He will not give me what I want. Deep inside, I don’t have faith that God is good and perfect, so I prefer not to wait and to take action for myself.)
God’s Word says:
James 4:14-16 NLT How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” Otherwise you are boasting about your own pretentious plans, and all such boasting is evil.
5. Following popular Christian opinion
“Other Christians are doing this, so it must be okay. I can trust what popular Christian leaders say. There is no need to pray and ask for the Holy Spirit’s guidance or to research God’s Word for myself. I will just go with the majority trend (rather than seek God’s opinion and will.)”
God’s Word says:
1 Timothy 4:1-2,16 NLT Now the Holy Spirit tells us clearly that in the last times some will turn away from the true faith; they will follow deceptive spirits and teachings that come from demons. These people are hypocrites and liars, and their consciences are dead… Keep a close watch on how you live and on your teaching. Stay true to what is right for the sake of your own salvation and the salvation of those who hear you.
2 Peter 2:1-3 NLT … there will be false teachers among you. They will cleverly teach destructive heresies and even deny the Master who bought them. In this way, they will bring sudden destruction on themselves. Many will follow their evil teaching and shameful immorality. And because of these teachers, the way of truth will be slandered. In their greed they will make up clever lies to get hold of your money. But God condemned them long ago, and their destruction will not be delayed.
Matthew 22:14 ESV For many are called, but few are chosen.”
6. Convicting Biblical teachings
We say: “This Bible teaching is making me feel very uncomfortable because it tells me that I need to change. I want God to change my circumstances, not me. I am fine as I am. Therefore, I will reject or accuse this Bible teaching or teacher of falsehood.”
God’s Word says:
2 Timothy 4:3 NLT For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear. They will reject the truth and chase after myths.
James 1:22-25 ESV But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.
7. Guilt
We say: “I feel bad about the things I have done. Therefore, I will compensate and overcome my anxieties by doing as many good things and being as good as possible, in order to make myself feel better.” (Even though faith in Jesus Christ is not based on self-justification, but obedience to His teachings and a relationship with our Heavenly Father through the counsel of the Holy Spirit.) Also, see The role of the Holy Spirit in our salvation
God’s Word says:
Ephesians 2:8-9 ESV For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
Galatians 3:10-11 NLT But those who depend on the law to make them right with God are under his curse, for the Scriptures say, “Cursed is everyone who does not observe and obey all the commands that are written in God’s Book of the Law.” So it is clear that no one can be made right with God by trying to keep the law. For the Scriptures say, “It is through faith that a righteous person has life.”
8. Bringing the world into the church
We say: “We need to make God’s Word “relevant” for our time and culture. We should avoid subjects that will make us unpopular and promote only the parts of God’s Word that will make our message palatable (even though we dishonor God Almighty by watering His commandments. We will not be judged by God because at least we are doing something for His name’s sake).”
God’s Word says:
Matthew 5:18-19 ESV For truly, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law until all is accomplished. Therefore whoever relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever does them and teaches them will be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
Turning away from our self-deceit
As we can see from the few examples above, self-deceit will always end up destroying our relationship with God. Such a tendency may have helped soothe our fears or hurt egos in the past, but now that we have turned to Jesus, we need to leave such ways behind for good and turn to God to meet our every need. We should no longer speak deceit to ourselves.
1 Peter 3:10 ESV For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit;
Instead, we can pause to pray and ask God:
- “Are there any ways I have been deluding myself?”
- “What do my uncomfortable feelings point to? Is there any unresolved pain or anxiety that I need to confess and receive biblical counselling for?”
- “Who has hurt me in the past, and who do I need to forgive?”
- “Have I judged and condemned them in any way? What sins have I committed against others?”
- “How else have I sinned against You?”
- “Is there anything I need to forgive myself for?”
- “Is there anyone I have hurt as a result of my self-deceit? Who do I need to ask for forgiveness from, and what relationships do I need to make right in Your eyes?”
- “Please point me to Your Word for the truth so I can memorise scripture and fight off Satan’s lies.”
- “Please convict my heart every time I turn away from obeying You and am tempted to fall back into deceiving myself again. Please teach me humility.”
Psalm 139:23-24 ESV Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!
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