What a healthy discussion about sin looks like

Turning away from one’s sinful ways is a matter of the heart, rather than the head. So a heart-to-heart discussion about sin with a mentee is best done in love. The conviction of the heart is much more effective than a factual legalistic discussion when it comes to change.

(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 如何指出他人的罪 | 繁體中文 > 如何指出他人的罪)

 

1 Peter 4:8 ESV Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 

What is sin?

To sin is simply to choose not to honour God in our thoughts, words and actions.

James 4:17 ESV So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

We all like to think of ourselves higher than we ought, and don’t enjoy confronting the sin in our own lives. We may think that just because we didn’t murder or steal, that we are sinless. But the Bible teaches that we can murder people’s character, hope, joy and self-esteem with our words, and steal people’s spiritual blessings by holding back God’s love. The Bible even calls things like impurity and coveting/greed idolatry, which is something God hates.  

Colossians 3:5 ESV Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.

Who do we love more?

It is much easier to stop doing something that offends the person we love deeply than someone we don’t care too much about. By the same token, anyone who has a vibrant personal relationship with God will repent more easily.

On the other hand, a believer who is unfamiliar with the Bible and God’s character will find it harder to accept that they need to turn away from sin when almost all of their other influences in this world say otherwise. When we have been seduced by this earthly realm that we operate in as human beings, we may end up loving this world and our flesh more than loving God who is Spirit. 

John 4:24 ESV  God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.

Unfortunately, a continuous choice of sin over God turns Christian believers from being a friend of God to become an “enemy” of God. 

James 4:4 ESV You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

The bottom line is, what do we love more? How pure is our love for God?

Our role as mentors 

As mentors, we need to help our mentees understand the root of their sin issues, rather than focus on the sins, which is condemning in its approach.

1. Look at the beginning

For example, we can tell someone to stop gambling but it will just be pointing out something that they already know. Instead, it would be much more helpful to identify the underlying issue (the root). Were they told as a child that they had to get rich quick in order to be secure in life (worldly focus)? Do they have parents who were addicted to gambling (generational sin)? Are they simply trying to distract themselves from other issues that they don’t wish to deal with (escapism)?

2. Don’t judge

We can lovingly raise awareness of the sin that is operating in our mentees’ lives, but it is not our role to convict or convince anyone of their sin. Otherwise, we may be guilty of judging them.

3. Avoid debates

It is also not helpful to go into discussions about what constitutes major or minor sins, because sin in any form or name is still sin.

2 Timothy 2:23-26 NIV  Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.

4. Use third-party analogies to facilitate recognition of issues

The use of analogies can be very helpful when it comes to helping someone see their own sins from God’s perspective. Jesus used parables all the same to expose the person’s heart issues. Ultimately, it is much more healthy to focus on God who sent His son to set us free from our bondage to our old sinful nature.

In other words, we can help others to:

1. Understand God’s pure, perfect and holy intentions – that He only wants the best for us, His beloved children.
2. Understand the nature of sin. 
3. Identify the root cause of the sin, so as to uproot it.
4. See and grasp the long-term and very real consequences of sin on ourselves, our families and our future generations.
5. Trust in God’s character and intentions.
6. Fall more in love with Him.
7. Know how the enemy wars against our souls and tries to deceive us into sinning.
8. Close the door to sin for good.

Exodus 34:6-7 ESV  The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.”

A biblical foundation

Let’s look at some Bible verses regarding the laws surrounding sin. This list in itself is a good way to explain the nature of sin.

1. Everyone sins	Ecclesiastes 7:20 ESV. Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins.
2. Sin strains our relationship with God	Isaiah 59:1-2 ESV  Behold, the Lord’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, or his ear dull, that it cannot hear; but your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear.
3. Sin grieves the Holy Spirit	Ephesians 4:30-32 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
4. Sin is a type of bondage, we become slaves to sin	John 8:34 ESV  Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin.
5. Sin puts us under the power of Satan	Acts 26:18 ESV To open their eyes, so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the power of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.
6. We must be willing to examine ourselves for sin	Lamentations 3:40 ESV Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the Lord!
7. God is compassionate and desires to forgive us	Psalm 103:9-13 ESV  He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
8. God promises to forget our sins if we repent	Ezekiel 33:16 ESV None of the sins that he has committed shall be remembered against him. He has done what is just and right; he shall surely live.
9. We must learn to rely on the Holy Spirit	Galatians 5:16  ESV  But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
10. It is the Holy Spirit who convicts us of our sin	John 16:8 ESV And when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment:
11. We need to mature in our faith so as to discern sin	Hebrews 5:14 ESV  But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.
12. We need to learn the desires that cause us to sin and stop them	James 1:15 ESV  Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.
13. Knowing God’s Word is foundational to breaking the stronghold of sin	Psalm 119:11 ESV  I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.
14. The truth in the Bible will set us free	John 8:31-32 ESV So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
15. We must learn to rule over sin,  and not let it rule over us	Genesis 4:7 ESV. If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.”
16. We need to confess our sin to break its hold over us	Proverbs 28:13 ESV Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.
17. True repentance requires humility and leaving our sinful ways behind	2 Chronicles 7:14 ESV If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.
18. True repentance leads us to doing good instead	Psalm 34:14 ESV Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
19. Repentance requires us to make our minds obedient to Christ and the Word	2 Corinthians 10:5 ESV We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,
20. Repentance restores, and opens the way for blessings to flow	Deuteronomy 30:15-16 ESV  “See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil. If you obey the commandments of the Lord your God that I command you today, by loving the Lord your God, by walking in his ways, and by keeping his commandments and his statutes and his rules, then you shall live and multiply, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land that you are entering to take possession of it.
21. We are constantly being transformed!	2 Corinthians 3:18 ESV And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

 

How to confront someone about sin

When there is an area of sin in our mentee’s life that we’ve been praying about addressing with him or her, it is helpful to first know how to address some common misunderstandings about sin.

1. “Everyone is doing it, don’t be outdated / boring / square / stupid”

If Jesus followed popular thinking or culture, would He have died on our behalf? In fact, Jesus plainly said that our values will not be loved by the world.

John 15:18-19 “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.

If we based our values on what is popular, what would make us different from the world? If Jesus ‘stuck his neck out’ for us, what is stopping us from making a stand for ourselves?

2. “This won’t hurt anyone”

When we sin, the person affected the most is ourselves. It damages our relationship with God directly. For example, the Bible warns that God does not listen to prayers offered with impure hearts and unclean hearts. People who have yet to repent and bring their sins to the cross also lack a deep sense of peace. Sin even has consequences down the generations.

Isaiah 59:2 But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear.

Numbers 14:18 ‘The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.’

3. “I have the right to do whatever I like”

When we accepted Jesus as our Saviour, we accepted that He died for our sins to bring us His wonderful salvation. But what does it say about our hearts if we choose sin over repentance? Does it take Jesus’ great sacrifice for granted and makes a mockery of the cross?

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

4. “Nobody will know”

Ask our mentee if he or she would continue if God was standing right next to them because the truth is that God is always with us.

Hebrews 4:13 Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Gently confronting someone about sin is an act of love

It may be natural to want to avoid conflict or confrontations. However, do recognise that by ignoring or avoiding lovingly speaking to someone about dealing with their personal sin, we become “enablers” and “condoners” of sin and its lasting spiritual effects on our brothers and sisters.

Dealing with sin should be an act of love, not of judgment. Please keep this in mind, because as mentors, we must always communicate in a way that is objective, redemptive and reflective of Christ’s love, never in judgment and bias. Remember we are all sinners too.

Galatians 6:1-4 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions…

1. Ask the Holy Spirit to start His convicting work on both sides

Pray about the situation and ask the Holy Spirit to guide our thoughts, words and actions in all circumstances. Just as we want to address the issue of impure hearts and unclean hearts, we need to ensure that we are not being hypocritical, while trying to “take a speck of sawdust out of someone’s eye, when we have a log in ours”.

Matthew 7:2-4 For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? “Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye?

Ask God to prepare our mentee’s heart and provide an appropriate opener for us to gently bring up the topic. Pray throughout our conversation. Let the Holy Spirit lead us in what to say, and when to say it.  And never have any pre-conceived ideas of who, what, why, when, what next etc..

2. Get our facts right

Ensure we ascertain that as much as our information is accurate before we confront our mentee in a loving manner.

3. Explain that this is an act of love

Stress the focus is on helping our mentee restore a healthy and close relationship with God first and foremost. When we repent, God welcomes us back into His arms without condemnation. Like the father of the Prodigal Son, He will only bring out the very best feast to celebrate with us. If our mentee is spiritually mature enough, we may also want to explain that repentance breaks Satan’s stronghold over that area of our lives; we move from being slaves to our sinful ways to freedom in Christ!

Luke 15:22-24 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

Luke 4:18 “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free,

4. Ask questions

There are always “two sides to a coin” and the information we have may not be complete. So gently ask questions and avoid words that may be condemning and avoid jumping to conclusions. Remember, we are not judges! Asking questions also allows our mentee to correct any misinformation.

5. Follow up and walk along

If our mentee is repentant about an area of sin, provide sound advice on how to ‘walk right with God’ and the necessary follow up to support our brother or sister to full redemption. Actively follow up to ensure that he or she is taking steps to deal with it. This may involve:

• Arranging a meeting for reconciliation and forgiveness
• Studying God’s Word about what He has to say about sin
• Attending Christian courses dealing with the area of their struggles on a practical level
• Seeing Christian counsellors
• Exchanging encouraging prayers or messages every few days
• Recommending books that provide helpful guides on dealing with that area of sin

2 Corinthians 2:6–8 The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.

If however, our mentee is unrepentant or refuses our counsel, then please pray for our mentee and continue to be available. Only God can do the ultimate convicting so leave the rest to God, we have done our part.

 

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