Jesus heals mother of childhood fears
N is a mother of two who wanted to lead her children toward God but struggled with her role as a parent. Here is her testimony of realising the root of her struggles and being set free to love her family in greater joy, purity, and freedom. Praise God!
How would I point my children toward God if I didn’t know the way?
As a mother to two young children, I pored over books on intentional parenting, on pointing your children toward God. Instead of feeling enlightened, I was overwhelmed. I felt lost. On top of that, problems from my own dysfunctional childhood kept springing up in one form or another. Deep inside my heart, I knew something wasn’t right.
I felt bound and tied down by something I didn’t understand.
I sought help from a prayer counselor. One of the first questions she asked me was, “Why are you here today?” I started explaining how I wanted to lead my children to God. She firmly, but gently responded that my reason, first and foremost, should be to draw near to God. Something inside me clicked. I had been striving – striving to be a good mother, striving to do God’s will.
I had lost sight of the most important thing, the true prize, God Himself.
I had been a Christian for over twenty years and did all the things I thought Christians should do. I believed that Jesus was my Savior. I read the Bible, attended church, and served. I tried to obey God and His promptings. Yet I felt far from God.
I didn’t realise that throughout that time my relationship with my mother was one of the main reasons and strongholds that Satan was using to pull me away from God. Perhaps it is irony that it took becoming a mother to finally realise that my mother was my idol.
My parents divorced when I was young, and my mother was often emotional and angry.
Growing up, my childhood was tumultuous. I was expected to be fully compliant and was often severely punished if I wasn’t, and sometimes just because. The counselor prompted me to think back to when I was being punished as a child and asked me to vocalize what I felt at that time. I remember crying out, “Please stop. Please stop. I will do whatever you say.” I would do whatever my mother wanted, just to stop her from being displeased, to stop her from being angry or spiteful. This compliance continued into adulthood.
Not only did my mother become my idol, but I unknowingly let her influence how I parented my children. I was scared that I would become like her, so I strived to be the opposite.
The counselor challenged me, “Be the mother your children need, not the mother you need.”
I couldn’t lead my children toward God because I wasn’t looking upward to my Heavenly Father for guidance, I was looking backward at my own experience with my mother instead.
When the time came to forgive my mother and to break ungodly soul ties with my mother, it was as if a huge fortress with a seemingly impenetrable wall kept me from doing so. I prayed but I couldn’t do it. But by the power of the Holy Spirit, as I knelt in submission to God, the walls came crumbling down. I was able to fully be in the presence of God.
I wept tears of relief, of joy, of being freed from the burden.
Of course, my mother was not the only fortress. There were other relationships, thoughts, and sins that needed to be addressed. But the power of forgiving my mother, praising God for her, and praying for God to bless her unconditionally was a beginning, and it was truly transforming.
I realized that it was not my mother I was fighting against. Satan was the culprit and my true enemy. How do we fight Satan? How do we put up a fight against the things that are hindering us from God? One of the most powerful takeaways from meeting with the counselor was seeing Ephesians 6:10-17, about putting on the armor of God to stand against Satan, in practice.
I was able to experience the word of God, alive and powerful.
At the beginning of the prayer session, I was struggling to overcome negative thoughts and sins. In the end, I was battling with spiritual forces of evil. Not by my own strength, but by God’s mighty power and with the armor He provides. The counselor pointed me to Biblical truths to fight against wayward or incorrect thoughts and showed me how to pray powerfully in the Holy Spirit.
When I returned home that evening, I thought it was ironic that one of my life verses had been 2 Timothy 1:7, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.” I had been living timidly in so many ways. Scared of becoming my mother, scared of uncertainty, and scared of the future. So, I strived to make it all more manageable and less scary.
I learned that day, that I was not meant to be timid or to live in fear.
God showed me that through the Holy Spirit, I have the power to overcome whatever fortress or challenge that may come my way. Maybe it wasn’t irony after all. It was all in God’s plan. I realised my fears and understood the true meaning of the verse in His perfect timing.
I used to think that the verse “whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23) was daunting. I feared what that might mean, that it might lead to a life that was wanting or miserable. How wrong I was.
My journey from darkness into the world of God’s light has brought me so much joy.
I still have my struggles, but each day and each time I put aside my way of living and striving, I am able to receive the blessing of living freely and victoriously in Christ. Praise God!
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