Jesus frees architect from insomnia
E had been a Christian since childhood but never experienced the joy of the Lord until she discovered the root of her misery through prayer. Here is her testimony of finally experiencing God’s redeeming grace. Praise God!
For years, I lived my life without any joy.
Although I was a Christian, I found life tiring and meaningless. My job, marriage, family and friendships were all good, but I felt like life was endless suffering. I cried out to God but could not hear him. At one point, I thought dying was better than living and only stayed alive because I knew that Christians cannot commit suicide. Why did God create me? Why was my life so weary? Moreover, I suffered from insomnia and felt so tired spiritually and physically all the time.
Looking back, I had lived in fear throughout my childhood. My dad is loving yet extremely strict. He worked so hard to provide the best for our family but would scold my sister and me almost every other day for not meeting his expectations. Once, he scolded me so loudly for not achieving full marks in one exam paper that I passed out in fear. Then when I woke up from passing out, he scolded me for passing out. This was one of my most significant memories of my dad. I had forgiven dad years ago but didn’t know that my weariness was related to my childhood experiences with him.
During cleansing prayer, I recognised that I was actually confused and even torn. Why would a loving father be so harsh? Because of this, it was very hard for me to understand Father God.
I thought that Father God never spoke to me because I was not good enough to be loved.
Without a way out to escape from my dad as a child, I wished him dead. The moment I cursed my dad, the spirit of death entered my life (Exodus 21:17, Leviticus 20:9, Proverbs 20:20, Matthew 15:4). I started watching horror movies and thinking about death and darkness, and basically everything that was opposite to life. This darkness slowly corroded the light in my life and occupied my heart.
In my teenage years, I became rebellious towards my dad. Without the kind of love I wanted, I turned to an ungodly relationship for years. After we broke up, I felt guilty, ashamed and unclean. I asked God for forgiveness, but I could not forgive myself because I felt unworthy for His love.
With all this, I allowed the spirits of death, exhaustion, hopelessness and shame to dominate my life. I doubted God and did not talk to anyone about my suffering – until God met me in a prayer retreat and miraculously healed me of my back pain.
Why would God show His amazing power of supernatural healing to someone as insignificant as me?
That was when I started to think maybe God still cares about me. During another prayer time, the Holy Spirit revealed where Jesus was when I passed out as my dad scolded me. It was actually God who put me to sleep for a short while. If God did not stop my dad’s anger at that time, I cannot imagine what would have happened. As I was brought to see a doctor after the incident, Jesus was walking right behind me.
God allowed me to experience Him so amazingly through these prayers. So though I was still ashamed of my past and considered myself unclean and unworthy of love, I finally agreed to do a cleansing prayer in spite of my hesitations.
There was nowhere I could hide from God anymore.
One of the prayer counsellors sent me a prayer beforehand that spoke deeply into my heart. Adapting the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32, she related how God saw me still a long way off, felt compassion and ran to embrace and kiss me. I knew Father God had always been waiting for me. He even ran to me, a sinner.
During the cleansing prayer, I began to understand my earthly father’s behaviour and where God had been throughout my life. I realised my earthly father had his own struggles and brokenness like any other person, and more importantly, I was reminded that ultimately, my dad is actually brother-in-Christ. There are no marriages or family structures in heaven. Instead of judging my dad like I used to, I now understand that God put me in this family for His purpose.
As I prayed to reject Satan’s lies about myself, I realised I had underestimated God’s salvation.
I do have a life that God has specially prepared for me, that is just for me. I have a future to look forward and can put my hope in God to renew my strength. Like Ephesians 2:10 has repeatedly spoken to me, “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” That day, I bound the spirit of hopelessness in Jesus’ name and rejected the enemy’s lies.
As we tore down the strongholds of lies, more were revealed like a chain reaction. I had been sobbing even before the prayer started but I didn’t quite understand why. Since I was not allowed to cry in my childhood, I constantly cried at the smallest trigger as an adult. It became a secret indulgence. A prayer counsellor led me to release my emotions with the freedom to cry.
The moment I surrendered my hurts to God, the desire to indulge myself in crying was gone.
Next, I was guided to repent of and revoke the curse I made on my dad in the name of Jesus and command evil spirits that had nested in my life to leave me. I asked the Holy Spirit to cleanse me and shine His Light to every corner of my life. Afterwards, I felt a sense of stillness and calmness I had not experienced before. Where I used to be very anxious in my thoughts, there was now nothing on my mind, literally nothing. I finally experienced the peace that is from God.
At the end of the cleansing prayer, God blessed me with two beautiful visions through the prayer counsellors. One was a beautiful white deer with legs that look so slender but are actually very strong. Bigger legs would only burden the deer from running faster. As I sit down and think about this illustration, I realise that Satan had made me look at God’s design for me as being insufficient rather than being perfect. I thought the skinny legs could not run very fast, when in fact I was specially designed that way for the ultimate strength to be released.
When I am set free to run with God’s strength and God’s amazing design, I know I am no longer going to feel weary.
The second one was a picture of music flowing from a mouth that speaks life. God knows me so well. He encouraged me with this particular vision to show me that life ahead is not meaningless. I believe God will use me to speak life to others and I look forward to being part of God’s bigger plans.
It is so powerful to have Satan’s lies revealed and God’s truths instilled in my life. It is like unlocking many heavy chains that had been burdening me. Now, I feel so much lighter and the insomnia is also gone.
I am so thankful that though life is still hard, I am now truly living with faith. Circumstances are still unpredictable but I am walking in the light with God.
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