Jesus sets banker free from despair
V is a successful director at an international bank, who had struggled to find joy in her relationship with her Heavenly Father. She was driven, independent and joyless at work. Here is her testimony of how Jesus removed her despair and healed her heart. Praise God!
I had no idea of the damage and long-lasting effects of childhood trauma, strongholds and generational sins until recently.
I remember struggling and being hungry throughout childhood. As the firstborn and a daughter in a Chinese family – I felt helpless and the sense that I was ‘never good enough’. Later on, this would be compounded by depression and extreme sorrow through various life events; the most devastating being the loss of my father to cancer.
I became a Christian during my freshman year in college. I literally felt the Holy Spirit during a time of praise and prayer. The Holy Spirit tickled my toes and warmed my feet up to my entire body until I became overwhelmed by the reality that Jesus Christ had died for me. For ME. God – in person, had physically descended upon this earth and sacrificed Himself. I felt unworthy yet grateful, and couldn’t stop crying.
But as with most things, life along with its struggles and distractions took on larger roles than God. I went through periods of despair and bitterness as I watched my father quickly deteriorate with cancer. Upon his passing, I was riddled with guilt and self-hate by my own selfishness and horrible behaviour when he suffered in pain.
Subsequently, I threw myself into work and later on, moved to Hong Kong to start a new chapter. Little did I know how tenuously I was holding on to all my emotional baggage.
From the outside, I had it altogether. But inside, I was exhausted, depressed and in a rut. I would cry at the most ridiculous triggers.
The Lord knew I was stuck so He sent me a sister-in-Christ who recognized the symptoms. With her help, I was led through a renewal prayer session. Through it, I learned that the very things I prided myself on: independence, self-sufficiency, intellect and practicality – were all ways to compensate for a deep fear of abandonment.
The enemy had implanted lies that I would never be happy and that God’s joy was reserved for others.
This fear stemmed from me being lost overnight as a three-year-old in the streets of New York’s Chinatown. As we prayed through my feelings of fear, she received a vision and told me that God had been by my side all along. He was the one who protected me and sent the ‘good Samaritan’ who found me and brought me to the police station. This kind stranger even bought me a toy.
As we continued to pray, I was also confronted with the resentment I felt towards my mother. Her critical nature and absenteeism always distanced us, so I grew up feeling inadequate and unvalued in her eyes. Yet I had such a strong sense of duty and sought her approval continually.
Step by step, I was led through the words to say – forgiveness for my mother, acknowledgement of His love for me, and admitting my small view of Him and lack of self-esteem. Finally, we worked through my upbringing as a Buddhist and renounced my ‘dual citizenship’.
I gladly embraced my one identity in Christ and felt as if a huge weight had been lifted. But God wasn’t done.
Next, my prayer counsellors received a vision of aborted fetuses and another saw the word ‘murder’. All the stories about my ancestors came rushing back and I realised how generational sins and my past suicidal thoughts had placed a curse on me. I had to confess what my family had done; for the accidental burial of an aunt, abortion of a baby brother as well as wishing to die.
I renounced the spirit of sorrow who had made its home in me for so many years. My entire body shook as I struggled to utter its name aloud. And finally, after renouncing all ties with the enemy and drawing a boundary that kept me protected by Jesus – I was sitting in the lap of my great Father as He wrapped His robe of righteousness around me.
At this point, I knew that I had been renewed (again) and just wanted to shout. I was finally experiencing what it means to be content in God and to have the confidence of His eternal victory.
I have discovered the power of God’s word and name, how much He loves me and how I can always run directly to Him.
Philippians 4:7 states that “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” The peace of God gives you a feeling of fullness even when you’re surrounded by emptiness, a feeling of hope even when you are in the midst of suffering and a feeling of safety even when everything around you is in chaos.
The enemy still tries to attack me, but I know that I do not need to be anxious about anything. I know I am free.
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